ADD Symptom: The inability to lie.
And get away with it.
I recently got caught lying
to my dog's veterinarian. The worse part about it was that there
really was no reason for me to lie to him. To his
face. A bold face lie.
And so the story goes...
I take my Wheaten Terrier to the vet last week for his yearly
check up. Because I consider his health of the utmost
importance, I take him to one of Manhattan's most noteworthy
veterinarians, the most sought after by B-celebrities gracing the
upper west side.
The door jingles our arrival and all smiles are upon us: the
three receptionists seated behind the front counter, the pet
owners all proud of their offspring.
Receptionist 1: "Hi, how can I help you?
Kali: "Hi, Fozzy's got an appointment for his yearly check-up?"
Receptionist 1: "Great, have a seat and we'll call you when
we're ready"
I turn away from the counter grabbing a dog
bone from the treat jar, and take a seat on a futon next to
a glammed-up Senior dripping in diamonds stroking h er puffed-out
Bichon Frise. I look at her dog and its making me
hungry. Bichon Frise sounds like a thick French flaky
dessert that would probably taste fantastic with a
scoop of cappuccino ice cream.
Senior: (talking to her Bichon) "Yes, Rugula, that's a big scary
puppy, isn't he, Rugula..."
Kali: "He's really not that scary."
Senior: "What's her name?"
Kali: "His name's Fozzy."
Senior: "Rugula, like the
Jewish rolled-up cookie".
Kali: "Yum. I guess your dog makes you hungry, too."
Senior: "Beg your pardon".
Kali: "No need. This is Fozzy, like the muppet."
Senior: "You should bathe him more often."
Kali: "We bathe together."
Senior: How often do you
bathe?
Kali: "More often than the French. How often do you bathe?"
Senior: "I beg your
pardon?"
Receptionist 1: "The doctor is ready to see you,
Fozzy"
Kali: (to Senior) "Stay clean."
Fozzy and I are escorted into a small colorful private room.
Minutes later, Dr. Vet Extraordinaire, a
handsome,
wondering-why-you're-not-married-are-you-another-Clooney-handsome,
walks into the room.
He gives me a well-rehearsed Colgate smile. I turn my
wedding ring around.
Dr. Vet Extraordinaire: "Hi Guys, good to see you!"
Kali: "Good to see you!"
Dr. Vet Extraordinaire: "So you're here for Fozzy's
yearly? Fantastic. Lets get on the table."
Kali: "I really shouldn't. Just kidding."
Ignoring my sexual innuendo, Dr. Vet Extraordinaire lifts a
scruffy fifty pounds onto the table and runs his hands down his
spine.
Dr. Vet Extraordinaire: (Fondling his privates. Well, not
His privates but Fozzy's) "Everything feels good!"
Kali: "I think Im up for my yearly?"
He looks at me like I insulted his mother.
Kali: "Im just kidding...you know, you were fondl-"
Dr. Vet Extraordinaire: (Cutting me off) "Let's look at those
choppers, huh?" he says lifting my dog's gums. "Kali, how
often do you brush you teeth?"
Kali: " Twice a day? Why?"
Dr. Vet Extraordinaire: "And how often do you brush Fozzy's
teeth?"
Kali: "Ugh...same?"
Dr. Vet Extraordinaire: "Are you asking me or telling
me?"
Kali: "Telling you?"
Dr. "OK, then you're not telling me the truth-"
Kali: "Huh?"
Dr. Vet Extraordinaire: "That' not the truth. You don't brush
them twice a week. How often?"
Kali: "Ugh...OK, maybe more like ever other day?"
Dr. Vet Extraordinaire: "OK, see again. You're not telling
me the truth and this is becoming uncomfortable for all of us,
including Fozzy."
Kali: "Well-"
Dr. Vet Extraordinaire: "OK, this is what I think is happening. You're
brushing your teeth twice a day. You're brush
his teeth maybe once every two weeks, if that. I
can tell because of the plaque build up.
Kali: "I give him marrow bones?"
Dr. Vet Extraordinaire: "Do you eat pork chops?"
Kali: "No-"
Dr Vet Extraordinaire: "Well, I do and I still brush my teeth.
Do you see what Im getting at?"
I felt like a reprimanded small child.
Kali: "Yes."
Dr Vet Extraordinaire: "You don't need to lie. Just brush his
teeth."
Kali: "I just thought you might sue me for neglect or
something...I mean, no one ever told me to brush his teeth."
Dr Vet Extraordinaire: "Here's a new toothbrush and a tube of
toothpaste"
I look down at the tube.
Kali: "It says Chicken Flavor-"
Dr Vet Extraordinaire: "What are you a vegetarian?
I leave with brush and paste in hand. My personal hygiene
insulted.