I just wanted to share this. I cut it out of a Nevada newspaper last Saturday. I'm sure if it was published in a New York paper, the very confrontational Reverend Al Sharpton would start hooting and howling racism....pa-leeezz....the one about the leaf blower had me laughing so hard!
(If you can't see all the type, just click on the pic and it will open up in a new window and make it easier to read)
ADHD Symptom: Often engaging in physically dangerous activities without considering possible consequences (i.e. a lap dance).
While the deadly virus, Viral Hemorrhagic Septicemia (VHS) is killing our fish in the Great Lakes and most of our honeybees are suddenly dropping like flies, before I start to panic, I think this just may be the perfect time for a lap dance. That's right; an overly firm pair of buttocks gyrating to the rhythm of any overplayed 90's dance hit found on most dance hit compilations, is what we should all be experiencing.
If I had the ability to slow down enough so my mind can focus on one thing, I would probably have a panic attack over Armageddon. I would start to hyper-focus about all the devastating circumstances occurring all around us. So instead, I allowed one of my many symptoms to kick in and my last night in Vegas, I allowed myself to engage in a physically dangerous activity; a silicon-enhanced lap dance-two for the price of one.
I can admire a female's sensuality, accept a lap dance and not have my sexually threatened, but this particular dance I encountered my last night in Vegas, could have very well been my last! Look, if you want to dance to the Divinals for me, that's fine, I can admire you from an arms length. Just please don't scratch my cornea with those hardened torpedoes pasted onto your chest. Hey. I'm alI for plastic surgery. If it makes you happy, do it. Its not gonna effect my life, but in the case of Cherry circus size breasts, it effected my eyesight. She was poking them ( I say them because it was like having three people there) in my face as if I was a visually impaired bitch threatening to sue if I didn't get my money's worth. I asked her politely, with one eye, if she could please give me some space and she apologized for being overly affectionate claiming that it was her upbringing along with seven other siblings that made her "so touchy feely".
I asked her what she used on her skin that was remarkably smooth and she said, I Can't Believe its Not Butter. Three bucks a tub. Meanwhile, I am paying 14 dollars a mini tub of shae butter made at the Israel Institute of Technology and my skin steals feel freshly lizard-like in the middle of spring.
I was uncomfortably the center of her attention for six minutes and as soon as the second song came to a close, I feigned nausea and politely showed myself the door. And as I was making my speed getaway out, I could swear that I saw James Lipton asking a stripper in the middle of her dance, " If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? Grabbing a big bill between her breasts she said, "Keep the change?"
And walked away. God, I love Vegas.
For fellow A.D.D.'ers, there's nothing more fun than improv! Come see the show if you are in New York City @
Stand Up New York Comedy Club
236 West 78th Street (off of Broadway)
Only 10 Bucks! 
I am taking an Intro to Asian Religion class this semester and although I am somehow miraculously passing the tests, I find the memorization of Buddhist terms almost impossible. I thought Buddhists were just fat people who prayed for peace. Here are some of their beliefs:
The greatest achievement is selflessness.
OK, I am all for altruism but what about me?
The greatest quality is seeking to serve others.
Not unless I get something in return (we westerners really disagree on this one).
The greatest patience is humility.
I doubt it.
The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.
Impossible. When I'm in a yoga class I know they're all faking it.
The greatest effort is not concerned with results.
That’s a load of horsesh*t. Why would I go to the gym five days a week? For results.
OK, so maybe I am missing the big picture here but I would like to share with you Buddhists a more life altering list for you that can change your life.
The top seminars this month at the Learning Annex:'
1. Meet the Rabbi to the Stars!
I guess that would be Madonna
2. Float your way to a Green Card.
I guess that would be in a tire tube. I see Elian Gonzalez got a job as a public speaker. (I love the fact that he has his own Wiki entry)
3. How to Communicate with the Dead.
Maybe we can finally ask Christ if those were his bones that were recently found. If they are you know what that means...Charles Manson really is the messiah.
4. Finding Time For Tantic Sex
Most likely not. Bathrobe Not Included.
And then my eye must have focused on something shiny because I forgot where I put my top ten list...till next thought.
