OUT OF FOCUS

And Iran So Far Away

After auditioning for SNL and getting bumped, I rarely watch the show anymore.

This is sheer brilliance. I can't stop watching it.

Enjoy it!

v

Stand Up New York Rocks for the Lyn Stacie Getz Foundation

Its not often that I have been entertaining myself at comedy clubs lately but tonight I'm glad I did. Produced by comedy manager, Jason Steinberg, New York City's legendary comedy club, Stand Up New York, rocked a benefit tonight on behalf of a very well-missed and well loved woman, Lyn Stacie Getz, who passed away November 15,1999.

It was a hilarious star studded line up: 

Esther Ku of NBC's upcoming season of Last Comic Standing and Animal Planet's "the A-list".

Erin Jackson of Comedy Central's upcoming season of Live at Gotham
 
Nate Bargatze CMT's Comedy Stage and Comedy Central's upcoming season of Live at Gotham

Rich Vos; Finalist NBC's Last Comic Standing Season 1 and Comedy Central Presents

Mike Vecchione Comedy Central and the New York Comedy Festival

Kevin Brennan (HBO's One Night Stand, Late Night with Conan O'brien

Todd Barry Comedy Central Presents, The Late Show with David Letterman

Jeffrey Ross (Comedy Central's Roast master General

Check out the  Lyn Stacie Getz Foundation.  

Thanks for tonight's laughs...

Here's a little Jeffrey Ross roasting Pamela Anderson...yummy

The Launching of a New Blog

As I sit here in Vegas getting high off the oxygen that is being pumped through the casino vents, I have decided that I will be launching an additional blog called An Actor Prepares where I will be giving sound advice and life-altering tips to struggling artists.

Here is a screenshot of a sample blog entry.

I will be keep you posted on the actual launch. Any suggestions are appreciated.

Premature Sex and the Millenium Generation

I just caught two adolescents having sex in my building!

That's right!  In my building!  In the foyer is between two entrance doors is where I encountered the juvenile peepshow 5 PM this afternoon. 

I am thoroughly disgusted. 
I feel violated.
I have been victimized by a sexual break-in.   

Two city kids who don't look a day over fourteen.  Fourteen!
They should be imprisoned and shackled to a wall until recess.

Who are these kids and what are they doing having sex at fourteen?

Do they even know where to put it at fourteen....hang on, let me just craw up from under the rock I've been living.  Maybe I'm in denial.  Denial of facing the truth about sex and this so-called "Millennium Generation".

What was I doing when I was fourteen?

I was collecting Campbell Soup Labels door to door. I was playing Frogger on Atari. I was home by five, having dinner by six.  I was still sleeping with a Teddy Bear and a night light.

That is what we were doing.  We would walk over plush green grass, from suburban home to suburban home.  We would step inside a strangers home and wait patiently as they stripped every can of soup from their packed kitchen cupboards.  How dare you walk up to a stranger's home now for fear of the homeowner answering the door with his pants around his ankles.

Times have changed.

I embrace change. But not a pair of misguided youths reenacting their sexual fantasies on my doormat. 

So what did I do besides throw-up in an empty bucket of paint?   I ran after them.  Maniacally.  Just as the boy was hoisting up his pants and she was zippering up, belt still in hand, they clearly didn't make it ten feet from the front door until I started verbally whipping them. 

A Forest Gump, "Uh huh" is all I got from the boy after my reprimand.   And the girl was too busy trying to get the belt around her waist.  There was my opportunity to put the belt around her neck. Too many eyewitnesses.

List of things to do tomorrow:

1.     Buy a stun gun (the Taser c2)

2.    Use it.

On The Lookout for New York Licence Plate DVS 3697

OK, so I'm not really on the lookout for this car but just in case
the owner should Google his own license plate, he'll land on my blog and read about what an asshole he is.  Seriously?  Why sugarcoat the son of a bitch?

I love New York City especially during the holidays; the beautiful lights, the festive Christmas music, decadent window displays, even the Christmas carolers, yes the Christmas carolers.  Maybe not carolers like these people here but carolers begging for a dollar. A dollar well spent.  But I want to live  a life like these people-look at them-getting most of the holiday cheer as they can. I'd like to experience the holidays like this dazzling quartet. But I can't.  I can't because of people like asshole NY license Plate DVS 3697.

II can deal with the occasional cut off by an impatient driver and by occasional I mean at least one an hour.   But cut me off a bit too close and:

I will key the exterior of your newly purchased Porche.

I will launch my morning hot coffee at your car window (hopefully you had it rolled down).

I will scream racial epithets at you.

That's right.   I JUST DON'T CARE.

My therapist says its the A.D.D, and behavior like that I should do my best to suppress.

So, NY license Plate DVS 3697, you're an asshole.

I had just started crossing Columbus Avenue with my three year old in her stroller, when all of a sudden this Navy BMW came a little to close to my stroller wheels.  Cut me off with not a care in the world.  Now, if my daughter was not with me, I would have run after the car when it stopped at a red light and kicked it a couple of times.  Or if it was a really long light, I'd buy a slice of hot cheesy pizza and throw it cheese down on his windshield. 

The psycho behind the wheel look like Robert Chambers, the newly-released-killer-from-prison. So as my little one slept in the stroller, I was lucky enough to have psycho-driver pull up along the sidewalk and park his car.  Although I was tempted to ask him if there were body parts in his trunk, I knocked on his window instead.  I would've knocked on the driver's side window till my knuckles bled. 

Needless to say, I verbally freaked out on the guy, in a quiet, more holiday-spirited Hannibal sort of way.

On a more festival note, here is a festive video shared by a very talented actor friend of mine, Krissy Shields.

Hollywood's Lollipop Heads

In Hollywood, "thin has always been in" but lately fashion models and celebrities have been under fire for being too thin, almost transparent if you will. Soprano's star, Jaime-Lynn DiScala, mega-bucks Mary Kate Olsen, reality TV star Nichole Richie
  all have one thing in common; a gag reflex that seems to be working a bit too well.

Are these overly-lean ladies really starving for attention? Does Mary Kate really aspire to be the same weight when she was on Full House...as a toddler? (Bob Saget will make anyone lose their appetite) Is it Jaime- Lynn's dream to play a skinny Italian in a cast full of fat one's? And what's with all these bikini shots of Nichole Richie in the dead of winter? The only thing she's been diving into lately is a pool of her own vomit. The paparazzi should focus on the War on Terror because their overlooking the fierce battle fought by these female warriors; the War on Hunger. Overseas.

Food For Thought?
For every ham sandwich Nichole Richie refuses, (and that's seven or eight shoved in her bony face on a daily basis) that amounts to about 672 pounds of pork per year. And for every bucket of buttered popcorn Mary Kate declines at a Popstar Magazine press juncket, that's 12,387 kernels of corn airdropped in Africa! Each time Jaime Lynn turns up her nose at a backyard BBQ, that's 4,696 chicken wings feeding over 3 million malnourished children a year. Thats a lot of chicken.

When you are on the set of a Hollywood blockbuster or backstage during Fashion Week, there's a reason all these skinny lollipop heads are saying "Woa" at the craft services table. WOA is an acronym for World Overpopulation Awareness and everyone knows the more unhealthy the diet the more infertile the egg. So I say, thank you, Calista Flockhart for not spreading your seed and to the many emaciated starlets who are making sure our population doesn't bubble to 500 million. I tip my hat to you.

And I say to the Council of Fashion Designers of America, led by the talented Diane Von Furstenberg (whose wrap dresses were designed for figure of a 10 year old girl scout) and their global mission to stop using dangerously thin models, these snooty designers are too blind to notice that these lollipop heads have their own mission in mind: to fight a world cause by starving themselves. Seems like a pretty selfless act to me.

Sadly, the media has these skeletal Hollywood hero's under fire for way too long. They may want to save their bullets for those blubbery babes on Broadway .

Syriana in Napa Valley

ADD Symptom: Always making assumptions.

Last year, when my friend Langdon first asked me if I knew anything about Syriana, I made the assumption that he was referring to George Clooney's vineyard in Napa Valley.  Who wouldn't?  Syriana sounds like something you would drink out of a large glass goblet.  And Hollywood heavies like Sam Neil and Francis Ford Copolla have started their own beloved labels. Since Georgie is never seen out with the Hollywood hotties, the only other straight man activity I can see Georgie performing was stepping on grapes in the northern California sun. Boy, was I wrong.  But I took that idea and shot a news bit on it.  This is a character that I created called Bernie Rockaway. 

SYRIANA POD CAST
Uploaded by kaliopy

If you would like to see more of Bernie, please let me know.

Wanted: Business Plan

This past fall, I made the insane mistake of going back to college after thirteen years to finish my Bachelor’s degree. What the hell was I thinking?? There must  a website online that can falsify a document saying that I finished back in ’93?  Couldn’t I just lie my way though life?  I guess its possible but when you have ADD, there this awful side affect of blurting out the truth at the most inappropriate time.  Like at a job interview:

Employer:  So, I see you graduated from Temple?

Kali:  Yes, of coarse.  In ’93.

Employer:  and you majored in…?

Kali: That’s right.

Employer:  You majored in…what?

Kali: Yes.

Employer:  Yes, what?

Kali: That was what I majored in.

Employer:  In what?

Kali:  Exactly.

Employer:  Exactly what was your major?

Kali:  That.  Although I did change it from time to time.

Employer:  Changed what?

Kali: What it was the last time but it wasn’t working out for me.

Employer: What wasn’t working out for you?

Kali:  Most of it..until I found the right major.

Employer: Which was what?
Kali: What we were just talking about.

Employer stands up to shake my hand, thinks for a moment, sits back down  and decides that a hand shake isn’t even necessary.

Employer:  Kali, thanks for coming in but were looking for someone who seems like a better candidate for the job.

Kali:  How so?

Employer:  Well, someone who isn’t…ah..

Kali: Ah liar!  Is that what you’re trying to say?  That I am a liar?  A liar who dropped out of college!

Employer:  I didn’t call you liar-

Kali: Than what were you saying?  Or should I say what were you discriminating against?

Employer:  I wasn’t discrim-

Kali:  Than if you weren’t discriminating against me, why are you throwing me out of here?

Employer:  I didn’t thow you out-

Kali: No but you were about to ask me to leave-

Employer: No, I wasn’t-

Kali: Look whose calling who a liar! Next thing you’re going to tell me is that I have ADD and need some anger management classes-

Employer leans calmly into an intercom.

Employer: Security?

OK, so there’s a good chance that that scenario would never happen…at least in the next couple of weeks it wouldn’t since I’m not sending out job applications but that’s how it usually plays out in my head. And if that’s how it plays out in my head than that’s how it would most likely pan out.

I guess I am experiencing some “school anxiety” since today was the first day of my summer class.  I enrolled for the summer semester in a business class that teaches you how to write a business plan.  Its only a six week class so I figure I have six weeks to find someone to write the business plan.

Here’s the ad I placed on Craig’s List. I posted it on San Fransisco’s Craig’s list so my professor wouldn’t find me:

https://post.craigslist.org/manage/335767518/m5tc5

Lets see who responds.

Hi, I'm Kali, Your Prison Tour Guide

I have so many ideas that I want to cash in on, if only I can focus on one. This particular idea happens to be one of my most favorite and most humanitarian.

It's called Kali, the prison tour guide. 

I believe that in order to deter crime amongst inner city teens,  students should be taking field trips to prisons so they can get a taste of what real prison life is like.

I want to be that prison tour guide (dressed in safari gear of coarse).

(Picture This)

"Hi boys and girls, I’m Kali, your friendly tour guide and welcome to Riker’s Island, New York’s most infamous prison.  Today we are going to witness the atrocities that go on in prison as well as the criminals who inhabit here.  Shall we?"

(I escort them down a long dark corridor)

"The inmates to your left are notorious for rape, murder and grand larceny while those on your right are your least favorite, the pedophiliacs. And there’s only one way to sneak in a Game Boy but don’t try it.  The guards look in every orifice of your body for contraband".

(I enter the cafeteria)

"Here in the cafeteria, it’s not unlikely to find a rusty razor in your plate of  buttered spuds.  Not exactly the crackerjack prize you’d wish for, huh Tommy?"

(Someone throws a spitball at me) 

"Who just hit me?  Listen you little rugrat, the only Pop Tart your gonna get here is the one sandwiched between your buttocks!"

(I dust myself off and resumes with my tour heading towards the smoking lounge) 

"Wednesday night is TV night but if you wanna watch South Park, you’ll have to wrestle Big Bubba for the remote control. Hot bubble baths here are quite rare but the showers  are a novelty.  Right before lights out, you are stripped down naked and deloused with cornstarch.  So you better think twice before throwing another spitball.  This is the end of the tour so please feel free to make some friends as you follow the exits signs".

I think my business card would read: What you call detention we call solitary confinement.

If you or anyone you know is interested, please email me to arrange a guided tour.

Richard Cheese, anyone?

I love Richard Cheese. Due to my DISORGANIZATION, I forgot to order tickets to his show in New York City on June 17th at the Bowery Ballroom.

If anyone has Richard Cheese tickets, please take me!  I will pay you double plus a dinner!

If you look at the insert of Mr. Cheese's last CD, I am listed as one of his thanks! Not that I did anything, I paid him 60 bucks to write that. 

I love Richard Cheese!