OUT OF FOCUS

Dreams of Dan Smith Not Teaching Me Guitar

Last night I dreamt of Dan Smith.  Only he wasn't teaching me "guitar".  This dream was so agonizing, I was forced to rekindle my once-tarnished relationship with my bulldog-of-a-therapist.

The conversation thus follows:

Phone rings. Pick up.

Dr H: Dr. H.

Kali: Oh, hey Dr. H.  This is Kali.  Im sorry I never called you back in August-

Dr. H: How are you, Kali?

Kali: Oh my God, Im great.  I mean, life-is great-I mean, even in this economy-you know I went to the market today and they wanted 3.99 for Rice Milk-that's like double-things are really good-my new iPhone sucks-AT&T sucks-I could barely gets a signal-or Id call-I'd get a better signal in Land Of the Lost-I loved that show-but yeah-Im good-Good-

Dr. H: I have today at 4:30. I have Tuesday at 5:00 or Friday at 9.  But you've already expressed that you are not a morning person-

Kali: Oh-ah-I wasnt calling for an appointment-It has nothing to do with the economy-I just dont need it-did you get my Christmas card?

Dr. H: Yes, Lovely.  See you at 4:30 today?

Kali: Great.  See you later.

Click.

Well, I certainly didn't want to spend 130.00 an hour talking about Dan Smith, especially in this economy.  If anything, HE owes ME 130.00 for all the free press. 

*********

My therapist's couch has the same worn leather as the couch of my old principal's office in high school. 

The thought of a high school principal with a couch in his office is perversion at its finest. 

I made sure to share that thought with my therapist as soon as I sat in her office.

Kali: (feeling up leather) Same tears. Same cuts.

Dr. H: Did he touch you?

Kali: Who?  Dan Smith?

Dr. H:  No, your principal? Who's Dan Smith?

Kali: Of coarse he didn't touch me!  

Dr. H: Its evident you feel anger towards him.  

Kali: Who? Dan Smith?

Dr. H: No your principal. And his couch.

Kali: I didn't come here to talk about my principal's old couch-

Dr H: Did you come here to talk about Dan Smith?

Kali: No!  Well maybe. How do you know Dan Smith?

Dr: H: Who's Dan Smith?

Kali: Obviously you know him because you just mentioned him!

Dr. H: No, you mentioned him-

Kali: I did?

Dr. H: Yes.

Kali: Oh. You really don't know who he is?

Dr H: Should I?

Kali: Well if you've walked as far as three feet in this city, you would know his mug if you saw it.

Dr. H: Is he a criminal?

Kali: No, he's a guitar guru.  Apparently as good as they come.  He just needs a new hair cut.

Dr. H: So tell me about Dan.

Kali: There's nothing to tell really.  He kinda just pisses me off.

Dr. H: Did you date him?

Kali: Hell no!

Dr. H: What is it about this Dan that you dislike?

Kali: This Dan I am. This Dan I am. I will not eat green eggs and ham with Dan I am.

Dr. H: You had brunch with him?

Kali: Are you high?  No!  

Dr. H: Than why are you talking about green eggs and ham?

Kali: Don't they have Dr. Seuss in Israel?  Its the way you said "This Dan".  Can we just change the subject because he now owns me around twenty-five bucks-

Dr. H: Dan owes you money?

Kali: From this session-

(Long Pause)

Dr. H: Kali, like all our previous sessions, you confuse me.  You come here.  You have something you want to say but you beat around the bush and I cant help you if you cannot talk about what is on your mind.

Kali: Did we now just talk about my principals couch, Dan's bad hair and green eggs and ham?  Im talking.  I wanna tell you about a dream that I had-

Dr. H: About Dan?

Kali: Yes! (pause) How did you know?

Dr. H: Because that's what you came her to talk about but for some reason it bothers you. Please talk about Dan.

Kali: OK, here's my dream.  Last night I dreamt that I was driving and I had to pee really bad and I could not hold it. So I pull into this KMart shopping plaza. (beat) What are you writing?

Dr. H: I wrote the word incontinence. 

Kali: Well its not like I had to wear an adult diaper or anything!

Dr. H: Just talk about the dream




  





-u

(silence and then after a long minute)

Kali: my sister and I we'd go to Burger King, go wash the car and then hit this KMart plaza and shoplift. Th e one in my dream.  Anyway, so in my dream, I walk past a really long shampoo aisle looking for the public bathrooms.  And just as I find this bathroom, I trip on a horse's saddle and instead of finding a bathroom, there are two adjacent bedrooms; a young boys bedroom and Dan Smith's bedroom.  In fact, I almost though that it was both Young Dan and Older Dan.  So Im wearing lace panties, with this Aersomith logo on the back-kinda like a tattoo that you see those slutty chicks have on their tail bone, and I pull them down and Dan tells me that I have a gray hair down there and rather than be mortified by it in my dream, I am turned on. He's totally eyeballing my pelvis and I can sense it doing to the next level and then my dream cuts to that really cheesy cafe they have with the rotating pretzels and burnt hotdogs and I think that I am hungry but I dare not eat because everything looks stale.  Then I woke up.

(more silence from my shrink)

Dr. H: I'm glad you came in today.

Kali: OK...I mean its no bid deal...

Dr. H: How are things at home?  Are you still throwing coffee cups?

Kali: Well, I threw one over Christmas break but other than that, no.  Not really.

Dr. H: Kali, you may not like what I have to say about your dream. But I want you to listen. 

This dream is about desires you refuse to gift yourself.  There is a lot of discontentment.  Some resentment and a loss of self-identity.  Your incontinence symbolizes that there is a part of you that feels like you are not growing.  It can also be translated as lacking the ability to control a part of you-your emotions, your anger. 

The shampoo symbolizes the need that you must clear out your old ways of thinking, or your need to approach a relationship differently than you have in the past.  You tripping over the horse saddle suggests that you have the desire to pursue your goals yet you somehow feel restrained.

The bedroom signifies your private self, your intimate self and the two men, whether they were Dan or not, are really parts of you.  A young you and a stray gray hair? Easy.  A fear of getting old.  An older man pointing out a fault?  Perhaps a fear of domination.  Dan staring at your pelvis, the pelvis represents the sexual issues in your life.  The lace, again, a representation of your sensuality.  The Aerosmoth logo?  What is Aerosmith?

Kali: A rock band.

Dr. H: And Dan's a guitarist? So we know what that symbolizes. You wanting a pretzel and refusal to buy, shows your preoccupation with some real complex issues in your life- i.e Dan- and you not sure how to handle it. Dan is the forbidden fruit.

(long pause)

Dr. H: Well?

Kali: Did you get my Christmas card this year?

Yes, I love Dan Smith

ADHD Symptom:  Hyper-focus to the point of obsession.  Not celebrity-stalker obsession but a more healthy obsession.  Like Dan Smith.

One of my readers gave it to me good this week. No, not that way. But someone who can read between the lines regarding this post: Here is his comment:

I had written my original post nine months ago, the approximate gestation period for me to carry Dan's baby that I hope would someday look like this:

Now, I don't  plan on carrying Dan's baby but maybe in a soap opera Young-&-the-Restless sort of way.  

I was walking down West 72nd Street and in the window of a decorative bodega, I saw a new flyer of Dan Smith.  It looks like this:

Initially, I was afraid.  Was Dan changing his look?  What happened to the Dan of 2008?

Why the new hairdo?

Where's the bar stool...what's up with the new erect and ready look?

What's up with the burst of new energy?  

The new dungarees?

Could Dan be dating someone new?

Aside from his simplistic marketing genius, here's the real truth of why I am curiously in awe of Dan Smith:

Back in 2007, I was shooting a show called Rough Copy starring me, Bernie Rockaway and my side kick, Brick.  We were looking for a local celebrity to interview and debated between Upper West Side Celeb Kevin Bacon or the great guitar aficionado himself, Dan Smith.  We decided to go with celebrity who's got more face time.  We chose Dan Smith.  

As seen here:

And here:

Pretty much everywhere.  The phone call went something like this:

(PHONE RINGS)

Dan: Hello?

Kali:  (HANGS UP & TURNS TO BRICK) I can't.  

Brick: Just call him.  It'll make for a great crank call.

Kali:  I'm not crank calling him.  I really want to interview him.

Brick: Fiiiine.  Just call him back. I hope he doesn't 'star 69' us.  

Kali: That's so '90's. Why would you even say that?

(KALI'S PHONE RINGS)

Kali: Hello? 

Dan:  Did you just hang up on me? I just 'star 69''d you.

Kali:  Yeah, I stepped on the phone. Sorry.  Hi Dan, my name is Bernie.

Dan:  Yes?

Kali: I work for a local news show and I was wondering if you would be available for interview?

Dan: What is this pertaining to?

Kali:  You.  And your guitar. That is.

Dan:  No, thanks.

Kali:  Why?  I think it would be great exposure.

Dan:  Last time I gave an interview it turned out to be something completely unexpected.

Kali: That's a shame.  OK. Bye.

My witty Oscar Wilde self had whittled away, for under the vocal commands of Dan Smith, I froze. Uptown.  Downtown.  East side. West side. Should I be graced by the presence of a Dan Smith Will Teach You Guitar flyer, I revel in the girlish butterflies his rock star image evokes.  As I walk the streets of my once gritty city and wonder in astonishment if Dan Smith, in looks and talent, is really the incarnate of the great Rick Springfield?? 

For now, I'm all Danned out. You decide.

Isaac Hayes; a 70's Cultural Icon

Even though I wasn't born when Shaft was first released, the film became legendary among all generations due to the ingrained sound of the Theme from Shaft that Isaac Hayes graced us all with.

First Bernie. Now Isaac. Two greats. Greatly missed.

Tatum O'Neil On Crack & In Need of Rescue?

I don't know who is worse off, me for being deprived of summer camp as a child or Tatum O'Neil for getting arrested for crack. 

I salute the recently-arrested, Oscar-winning crackhead for the following:

1. The jump in TV ratings the show, Rescue Me, will enjoy. 

2.  Supporting the city's economy.

3. Buying street drugs "Made In The U.S.A" and not in China.

4. Being fast on her feet and pleading that she was "researching for a role". 

I use that one when I was caught in the sack with a female masseuse. Oh, how like minds think alike. 

If Totem can still act while smoking the pipe, then what's the problem? 

I say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I mean, she is a celebrity heroine? Or heroin? 

As you can see in this video, she sucked down pretty well even as a ten-year-old.

421 Broome Street and Addiction

I was so saddened to hear about the death of the too-young, Heath Ledger. I feel sorry for him and I feel sorry for the people who live at 421 Broome Street where Ledger lay dead.  I live uptown and a dozen subway stops from where he lived, but I keep hearing stories of the growing crowd parked in front of his building, gawking at the site of an imagined suicide.  I say imagined because who am I to make any claims on what his intentions were.  Its just nauseates me at the media circus that once again is in town.  And parked in front of a dead man's door.

Idiotic Sound bite of the Day:

"He's got more money than God.  Why would he kill himself?" 

My response: Money helps, moron, but its never been the answer to happiness. 

Their comment: "How can anyone take that many pills by accident...pleease."

My response: It's called Narcotics Anonymous, asshole.

I know addiction.  Not from personal experience  but from friends that have been beaten to the ground by their evil vices.  Most of them have come up for air and can now function with their disease but there are a few that have left me speechless. 

A girlfriend of mine, in particular.

We have been friends for over a decade, and over the years her pill addiction has enslaved her to a life of staying in doors with the inability to function in society.  First their your friend and then your acquaintance until they become a stranger and they no longer remember you or the importance of why you were in their life because their true love now is the addiction.  First and foremost.

I've seen my friend go into rehab, that has never worked since she always split. I have been a pillar of support, and in exchange, I have been repeatedly let down.  Not that I have any expectations but they become so unreliable.  So incognito. Their a no-show. 

This past Christmas, I finally had to end my friendship. I love her. I miss her dearly but her addiction was bringing me down.  Until she hits rock bottom and can truly face her demons and seek true recovery, I'll rekindle our friendship. For now, I'll kindly keep my distance.

Clean up, girl.

Lindsay Lohan Wins the Drunk Derelict Award

This in from The New York Post...

According to www.alcoholalert.com, there

were 16,885 alcohol-related fatalities in
2005 (most current stats).

The 16,885 fatalities in alcohol-related crashes during 2005 represent an average
of one alcohol-related fatality every 31 minutes.

With Lindsay Lohan on the road? Every 3 minutes.

Would somebody smack that Freckle-faced Alchie's smile off her face! Liquored-Up Lindsay won't be smiling when she kills a family of four on their way to Wally World.

The Inebriated Idiot boasts her alcohol monitor ankle bracelet like its a F*uckin Disney Charm Bracelet.

Go stick a butter knife in a toaster, Lindsay.

Tammy Faye Passes Away

Most us remember her as Tammy Faye Bakker.  Or just plain Tammy Faye. 
The televangelist once married to the crooked pervert and financial cheat, Jim Bakker, who was involved in a sex scandal with the very memorable Jessica Hahn.  Jessica Hahn, the first woman who ever used her breast implants as flotation device.

It was announced by her family today that Tammy Faye unfortunately  lost her battle to Cancer.  Tammy Faye.  The woman who was so easily identified by her mascara covered eyes. The woman who will be forever immortalized on SNL by the very funny Jan Hooks.

When I think of Tammy Faye Bakker, I think of the time that I played a hooker on the Christian Broadcasting Network. It was in the eighties, the same exact time Tammy was a super celebrity. That's right.  I played a hooker turned undercover cop.  It was for a television show whose name I cannot recall and we shot on the streets of the "old Times Square"before it became Disneyfied. I was in my early twenties and I thought I hit celebrity status when the camera was rolling on eighth Avenue with 80 or so people watching us film.  Boy, was I wrong. I was hookered-up in white leather, fishnets and heels.  I had to "come on" and then hand cuff a good Nigerian Christian and then haul him off in a police car. 

A month later I was flown to Virgina Beach to loop some sound for the show where I almost pledged into becoming a born again. That's a whole other blog entry! 

If I could dig up the video of me as the do-gooder-hooker at my parent's house, I swear I will post it.  In the meantime, here's Jan Hooks in an SNL sketch.  I had no luck finding her playing the Tammy Faye character but this is just as memorable.

 

Advice from Amy Fisher, When In Doubt, Claim Sexual Abuse

I had the unfortunate event of attending a BBQ in Long Island. Long Island, famous for its duck, ice teas and as The Post quoted, “Long Island’s Two Biggest Losers; Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuoco”.  Amy Fisher was the sixteen-year old slut that shot her lover’s wife in the face with a pistol.  The victim, Mary Jo Buttafuoco, miraculously survived and Amy spent a short seven years in prison.  Joey moved to Hollywood to pursue his acting career.  Only Hollywood would keep asleazy guy like that working! lick on Hollywood and you'll see his IMDB profile. Maybe we’ll see Bin Laden auditioning for a Disney boat cruise soon.

I intended to blog about the awful eco-unfriendly group of L.I. burbanites at the BBQ but a criminal’s tell-all book is far more exciting than a group of pigs roasting pork. 

I hate the media and the press. We’ve seen more Yellow Journalism in our lifetime since the Spanish-American war.  Oh, and when I say Spanish-American war, I’m not implying the illegal status of the 12 million Mexicans.  No, I’m referring to the war of 1898.

But what I despise most about the media are these publicized tell-all books that criminals make money off of; O-Jay, Lyle Menendez, and now Amy Fisher to name just a few.  Here’s Amy’s Book:

Now, I would never waste my time reading such dribble but Amy excuses herself of her actions because of her claimed “sexual abuse”. 

Tell me, Amy, if this nondescript “family member” molested you, and you can get your hands on a loaded pistol, why didn’t you shoot him?  Why not kill the rapist instead of trying to kill an innocent woman??  I’m sorry, Amy, but your image with always be painted with the ugliest of colors.  You can write about all the rainbow-colored skies and lucky charms in your life as a mother now, but we’ll always see you as the Dirty Little Lolita from Long Island who’s rotten at the core.

Rubbing Elbows with Crooked Head Vincent

Statistics show that one out of every two New Yorkers has been on Criminal Intent.  I, being one of the two, have also sat alongside Vincent D’Onofrio.  Mine was in a seedy hotel room. But rubbing elbows with D’Onofrio is no different that rubbing elbows with a bike messenger at a red light. 

But they seem to think otherwise in Germany.  And I’m not surprised. German’s can’t be that bright if they don’t laugh at Seinfeld. I received an email from a 17 year old German girl.  This is what it said:

Hello Kali.
How are you? Hope you fine. I just came your channel becaue of your performence in Criminal intent (which was very good!). I'm seventeen year old student from Germany, plan to move to LA to become actress (Hollywood and dream America...),. I hope you could maybe give me one or two advices since you seem to be really professional. hope i didn't disturb you, have nice day
Valda (more) (less).

First of all,  I have to say that I love Valda’s use of punctuation and her command of the English language.

…),. 

Its so Morris Code.  So cryptic. So the following was the one or two advices I gave her.

So this was my response to Valda:

Dear Valda:

Thanks for writing.  Have you ever considered porn?  With the advent of online video content, the porn industry is an exploding market for young talented girls like yourself. 

Best of luck,

Kali Karagias
Vincent’s Hooker for the Day

Here's Vincent.