OUT OF FOCUS

City Slicker Goes Bonkers Over Bobcat

I wake up in New York city stepping over whinos.
I wake in Colorado stepping over bobcats.  Well, almost.
I have the same routine every morning here while vacationing in the mountains of Colorado.  I awake around 7 am,  I brewed my coffee, feed my three year old daughter and lastly, chase my Wheatan Terrier around the back lawn until he’s ready to call it a morning.

So this particular morning, I am out in the back lawn with child and dog.  My dog, Fozzy, plays the 'Yeah- go-ahead-try-to-catch-me-you-can’t-catch-me- game'.  So he’s gnawing on a stick and I run forward waiting for him to catch me and straight ahead eighty feet in front of me is a bobcat. 

Here’s some facts about bobcats:
Bobcats like to live in wooded areas and tall grass.
Gee, the same place Kali is vacationing.

They usually live alone on a territory that is from 5 - 50 miles long.
Wrong   They are living in Kali’s backyard where she is vacationing.

They are nocturnal (night animals), and many of their prey are night animals too.
Wrong   This bobcat decided to have a cup of Folger’s with Kali.

They eat rabbits, rats, squirrels and ground birds.
Gee, the same animals found in Kali’s backyard.

Sometimes they will kill and eat chickens or lambs on a farm.
Kali’s Wheatan Terrier resembles a lamb.

Bobcats can only eat about 3 pounds of meat at a time, so if they get a big animal like a deer, they will drag it to a safe spot and cover it up.
Strong enough to drag Kali, caveman-style, by her long hair.

Later they will come back, eating again and again, until the meat rots.
Kali will not be having a proper burial.

They see and hear very well. This helps them hunt.
Kali’s hearing has deteriorated from too many metal concerts in the 80's and
can no longer brag of 20/20 vision.

The soft pads on their feet help them to sneak up on an animal quietly.
Right when Kali is on the cell phone complaining of the boredom she is experiencing
in “the mountains”.

Bobcats can run at up to 30 miles per hour, but they would rather walk.
Lucky for Kali who hasn’t ran since the 50 yard dash in eighth grade.

Bobcats hide in bushes and leap out when a rabbit or a squirrel runs by. They use their claws to catch the animal, then kill their prey by biting the animal’s neck.

OK, I am getting a little light headed now. When my eye lands on the Bobcat, sitting so quietly just observing us, I said in a strong, hushed tone, “FOZZY! Get in the house- NOW ”  And I scooped up my three-year-old and slammed the screen door.  A pathetic screen door.  Can’t the bobcat rip through that screen door? So what did I do next?  What every concerned citizen would do; I ran to the computer and Googled him.

That’s where I got all my facts.  One site mentioned if you make loud noises, the bobcat will run away.  So I went back to where he was still frozen in time and I yelled,” Get out of here ”.  He turned his head and looked at me as if saying, “Shut up lady, I'm enjoying myself”.Then I proceeded to slam the screen door a dozen or so times.  He still didn’t move.

Since my blood pressure was rising and I felt a panic attack coming on, I decided to stop watching him from inside.  Moments later I am washing the breakfast dishes and I see him through the window, doing what he does best; stalking some prey although I don’t know what it was.

I finally ran to the garage, got in the rental car with dog and child and fled. We went to a park where I met some a local and told her the story.  This was her response:

“You saw a bobcat?  You don’t know how lucky you are   I’ve been here twenty years and I’ve never seen a bobcat! ”

That’s like saying to an Israeli:
“You saw a suicide bomber? You don’t know who lucky you are  I’ve been in Tel Aviv from twenty years and I’ve never seen a suicide bomber! ”

My friend Jim says the craziest things happen to me and I agree with him.  I just have no clue as to why.  Why me?  Why do I have an encounter with a bobcat when all I want is just to relax? My friend Patti tells me I am in desperate need of some past life regression work. (What?) I have no desire to find out if I was a bank robber or an arsonist in a previous life.

The next person that tells me 'the mountains are a great place to relax', I am going to start stalking them myself. Unexpected bobcats are just another great reason why I choose to live in gritty New York City.  Stepping over a whino every morning is a lot less threatening;  he can’t run 30 miles an hour and he can’t hide in the tall grass because there is no tall grass and quite frankly, I’d rather share a cup of Folger’s with him instead of a bobcat.

Woman Encounters Bear in Aspen and Hits Speeds of up to 80 MPR on Bike

That's what the headline would have read if someone had spotted me on the bike trails of Colorado.  You know, they say the mountains are relaxing.  Well Id like to know who "they " is and debunk that myth.

It was a hot day in August.  Biking is pretty much the only sport that I can tolerate at a high altitude.I started in Snowmass.   Early afternoon as I headed on down the Rio Grande Trail with just a backpack and its bare necessities:

Bottle of water- for when I start to dehydrate
2 Balance Bars- for when my blood sugar drops
A pack of gum- in case I need to repair a popped tire
A cell phone- for when I need to call a cab

Exhausted after ten miles, I struggled up a small hill when I started to smell in the air that I was very close to Aspen; the familiar smell of L.A. folks trying too hard to be noticed.  So I am on the trail, just me and the bike.  I am past the point of fatigue and
frustration thinking, why the hell didn't I just  go to the hot springs?
All of a sudden, I happen to look at my right and 100 feet away from me, I see a large brown bear the size of a Volkswagen. He was drinking water,  started lifting his head and was about to turn in my direction. 

Do I lay dead  or do I panic?  I went with the wiser choice. I panicked.
The fatigue that was previously building in my thighs dissipated instantly.  I was Wonder Woman on Wheels.  I peddled and peddled.  Peddled as fast as I could and all I could think of was, I shouldn't have embarrassed myself the night I met Billy Idol.  I should have canceled some of my credit cards.  I shouldn't told my mother the day I cut school and drove to the casinos with just my permit.

I refused to look back.  I was convinced that the bear was sprinting behind me, like a runner to a finish line. That damn Balance Bar!  I had eaten one and swore I could smell the chocolate and caramel still lingering off the wrapper in my bag.  Why the hell did I listen to that guy in the bike shop?  Bring something to eat?  Please.  The bear would claw me from behind and tackle me to the ground.  Wait.  The bear was wearing patchouli?  Where's that smell coming from?  It the near distance I saw two hippie chicks walking side by side on the trail.  I started screaming to them, "Turn around!  There's a bear!  Turn around!  You're doing to diiieeee!"  Then one screamed back, "Get off your bike!"  Get off my bike? What was she crazy?  But then I thought, these hippie chicks must be locals.  They must know something I don't know about bears.  I got off my bike and they walked towards me.  One took my bike and the other put her hands firmly on my shoulders.  She looked me dead in the face and said, "You are hyperventilating!  You have to breath.  Breath with me-on the count of three-breath with me" . 

I breathed with her. They told me that it was common this time of year to see bears lingering off the trail and most of the time they wouldn't bother you.  What does most of the time mean?

"Where's your bell?" one of the girls asked me.
"Bell?  What bell?" I asked. 
"If you ever see a bear, you should ring a bell.  It startles the bear and will send her off running".

So the guys sells me two balance bars and a canteen.  What about a bell?  I guess he knew I was from  New York.  And had a sick sense of humor.

If you or anyone you know encounter a bear, here are some tips to staying alive. http://bears.mnr.gov.on.ca/gen_encounter.html

Or if you are thinking of making a career change involving bears, you may want to see this: