ADD Symptom: The inability to lie. And get away with it.
And so the story goes...
I take my Wheaten Terrier to the vet last week for his yearly check up. Because I consider his health of the utmost importance, I take him to one of Manhattan's most noteworthy veterinarians, the most sought after by B-celebrities gracing the upper west side.
The door jingles our arrival and all smiles are upon us: the three receptionists seated behind the front counter, the pet owners all proud of their offspring.
Receptionist 1: "Hi, how can I help you?
Kali: "Hi, Fozzy's got an appointment for his yearly check-up?"
Receptionist 1: "Great, have a seat and we'll call you when we're ready"
I turn away from the counter grabbing a dog bone from the treat jar, and take a seat on a futon next to a glammed-up Senior dripping in diamonds stroking h er puffed-out Bichon Frise. I look at her dog and its making me hungry. Bichon Frise sounds like a thick French flaky dessert that would probably taste fantastic with a scoop of cappuccino ice cream.
Senior: (talking to her Bichon) "Yes, Rugula, that's a big scary puppy, isn't he, Rugula..."
Kali: "He's really not that scary."
Senior: "What's her name?"
Kali: "His name's Fozzy."
Senior: "Rugula, like the
Jewish rolled-up cookie".
Kali: "Yum. I guess your dog makes you hungry, too."
Senior: "Beg your pardon".
Kali: "No need. This is Fozzy, like the muppet."
Senior: "You should bathe him more often."
Kali: "We bathe together."
Senior: How often do you bathe?
Kali: "More often than the French. How often do you bathe?"
Senior: "I beg your
Receptionist 1: "The doctor is ready to see you, Fozzy"
Kali: (to Senior) "Stay clean."
Fozzy and I are escorted into a small colorful private room. Minutes later, Dr. Vet Extraordinaire, a handsome, wondering-why-you're-not-married-are-you-another-Clooney-handsome, walks into the room.
He gives me a well-rehearsed Colgate smile. I turn my wedding ring around.
Dr. Vet Extraordinaire: "Hi Guys, good to see you!"
Kali: "Good to see you!"
Dr. Vet Extraordinaire: "So you're here for Fozzy's
yearly? Fantastic. Lets get on the table."
Kali: "I really shouldn't. Just kidding."
Ignoring my sexual innuendo, Dr. Vet Extraordinaire lifts a scruffy fifty pounds onto the table and runs his hands down his spine.
Dr. Vet Extraordinaire: (Fondling his privates. Well, not His privates but Fozzy's) "Everything feels good!"
Kali: "I think Im up for my yearly?"
He looks at me like I insulted his mother.
Kali: "Im just kidding...you know, you were fondl-"
Dr. Vet Extraordinaire: (Cutting me off) "Let's look at those
choppers, huh?" he says lifting my dog's gums. "Kali, how
often do you brush you teeth?"
Kali: " Twice a day? Why?"
Dr. Vet Extraordinaire: "And how often do you brush Fozzy's
Dr. Vet Extraordinaire: "Are you asking me or telling
Kali: "Telling you?"
Dr. "OK, then you're not telling me the truth-"
Dr. Vet Extraordinaire: "That' not the truth. You don't brush
them twice a week. How often?"
Kali: "Ugh...OK, maybe more like ever other day?"
Dr. Vet Extraordinaire: "OK, see again. You're not telling me the truth and this is becoming uncomfortable for all of us, including Fozzy."
Dr. Vet Extraordinaire: "OK, this is what I think is happening. You're brushing your teeth twice a day. You're brush his teeth maybe once every two weeks, if that. I can tell because of the plaque build up.
Kali: "I give him marrow bones?"
Dr. Vet Extraordinaire: "Do you eat pork chops?"
Dr Vet Extraordinaire: "Well, I do and I still brush my teeth. Do you see what Im getting at?"
I felt like a reprimanded small child.
Dr Vet Extraordinaire: "You don't need to lie. Just brush his
Kali: "I just thought you might sue me for neglect or something...I mean, no one ever told me to brush his teeth."
Dr Vet Extraordinaire: "Here's a new toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste"
I look down at the tube.
Kali: "It says Chicken Flavor-"
Dr Vet Extraordinaire: "What are you a vegetarian?I leave with brush and paste in hand. My personal hygiene insulted.