Dreams of Dan Smith Not Teaching Me Guitar

Last night I dreamt of Dan Smith.  Only he wasn't teaching me "guitar".  This dream was so agonizing, I was forced to rekindle my once-tarnished relationship with my bulldog-of-a-therapist.

The conversation thus follows:

Phone rings. Pick up.

Dr H: Dr. H.

Kali: Oh, hey Dr. H.  This is Kali.  Im sorry I never called you back in August-

Dr. H: How are you, Kali?

Kali: Oh my God, Im great.  I mean, life-is great-I mean, even in this economy-you know I went to the market today and they wanted 3.99 for Rice Milk-that's like double-things are really good-my new iPhone sucks-AT&T sucks-I could barely gets a signal-or Id call-I'd get a better signal in Land Of the Lost-I loved that show-but yeah-Im good-Good-

Dr. H: I have today at 4:30. I have Tuesday at 5:00 or Friday at 9.  But you've already expressed that you are not a morning person-

Kali: Oh-ah-I wasnt calling for an appointment-It has nothing to do with the economy-I just dont need it-did you get my Christmas card?

Dr. H: Yes, Lovely.  See you at 4:30 today?

Kali: Great.  See you later.

Click.

Well, I certainly didn't want to spend 130.00 an hour talking about Dan Smith, especially in this economy.  If anything, HE owes ME 130.00 for all the free press. 

*********

My therapist's couch has the same worn leather as the couch of my old principal's office in high school. 

The thought of a high school principal with a couch in his office is perversion at its finest. 

I made sure to share that thought with my therapist as soon as I sat in her office.

Kali: (feeling up leather) Same tears. Same cuts.

Dr. H: Did he touch you?

Kali: Who?  Dan Smith?

Dr. H:  No, your principal? Who's Dan Smith?

Kali: Of coarse he didn't touch me!  

Dr. H: Its evident you feel anger towards him.  

Kali: Who? Dan Smith?

Dr. H: No your principal. And his couch.

Kali: I didn't come here to talk about my principal's old couch-

Dr H: Did you come here to talk about Dan Smith?

Kali: No!  Well maybe. How do you know Dan Smith?

Dr: H: Who's Dan Smith?

Kali: Obviously you know him because you just mentioned him!

Dr. H: No, you mentioned him-

Kali: I did?

Dr. H: Yes.

Kali: Oh. You really don't know who he is?

Dr H: Should I?

Kali: Well if you've walked as far as three feet in this city, you would know his mug if you saw it.

Dr. H: Is he a criminal?

Kali: No, he's a guitar guru.  Apparently as good as they come.  He just needs a new hair cut.

Dr. H: So tell me about Dan.

Kali: There's nothing to tell really.  He kinda just pisses me off.

Dr. H: Did you date him?

Kali: Hell no!

Dr. H: What is it about this Dan that you dislike?

Kali: This Dan I am. This Dan I am. I will not eat green eggs and ham with Dan I am.

Dr. H: You had brunch with him?

Kali: Are you high?  No!  

Dr. H: Than why are you talking about green eggs and ham?

Kali: Don't they have Dr. Seuss in Israel?  Its the way you said "This Dan".  Can we just change the subject because he now owns me around twenty-five bucks-

Dr. H: Dan owes you money?

Kali: From this session-

(Long Pause)

Dr. H: Kali, like all our previous sessions, you confuse me.  You come here.  You have something you want to say but you beat around the bush and I cant help you if you cannot talk about what is on your mind.

Kali: Did we now just talk about my principals couch, Dan's bad hair and green eggs and ham?  Im talking.  I wanna tell you about a dream that I had-

Dr. H: About Dan?

Kali: Yes! (pause) How did you know?

Dr. H: Because that's what you came her to talk about but for some reason it bothers you. Please talk about Dan.

Kali: OK, here's my dream.  Last night I dreamt that I was driving and I had to pee really bad and I could not hold it. So I pull into this KMart shopping plaza. (beat) What are you writing?

Dr. H: I wrote the word incontinence. 

Kali: Well its not like I had to wear an adult diaper or anything!

Dr. H: Just talk about the dream




  





-u

(silence and then after a long minute)

Kali: my sister and I we'd go to Burger King, go wash the car and then hit this KMart plaza and shoplift. Th e one in my dream.  Anyway, so in my dream, I walk past a really long shampoo aisle looking for the public bathrooms.  And just as I find this bathroom, I trip on a horse's saddle and instead of finding a bathroom, there are two adjacent bedrooms; a young boys bedroom and Dan Smith's bedroom.  In fact, I almost though that it was both Young Dan and Older Dan.  So Im wearing lace panties, with this Aersomith logo on the back-kinda like a tattoo that you see those slutty chicks have on their tail bone, and I pull them down and Dan tells me that I have a gray hair down there and rather than be mortified by it in my dream, I am turned on. He's totally eyeballing my pelvis and I can sense it doing to the next level and then my dream cuts to that really cheesy cafe they have with the rotating pretzels and burnt hotdogs and I think that I am hungry but I dare not eat because everything looks stale.  Then I woke up.

(more silence from my shrink)

Dr. H: I'm glad you came in today.

Kali: OK...I mean its no bid deal...

Dr. H: How are things at home?  Are you still throwing coffee cups?

Kali: Well, I threw one over Christmas break but other than that, no.  Not really.

Dr. H: Kali, you may not like what I have to say about your dream. But I want you to listen. 

This dream is about desires you refuse to gift yourself.  There is a lot of discontentment.  Some resentment and a loss of self-identity.  Your incontinence symbolizes that there is a part of you that feels like you are not growing.  It can also be translated as lacking the ability to control a part of you-your emotions, your anger. 

The shampoo symbolizes the need that you must clear out your old ways of thinking, or your need to approach a relationship differently than you have in the past.  You tripping over the horse saddle suggests that you have the desire to pursue your goals yet you somehow feel restrained.

The bedroom signifies your private self, your intimate self and the two men, whether they were Dan or not, are really parts of you.  A young you and a stray gray hair? Easy.  A fear of getting old.  An older man pointing out a fault?  Perhaps a fear of domination.  Dan staring at your pelvis, the pelvis represents the sexual issues in your life.  The lace, again, a representation of your sensuality.  The Aerosmoth logo?  What is Aerosmith?

Kali: A rock band.

Dr. H: And Dan's a guitarist? So we know what that symbolizes. You wanting a pretzel and refusal to buy, shows your preoccupation with some real complex issues in your life- i.e Dan- and you not sure how to handle it. Dan is the forbidden fruit.

(long pause)

Dr. H: Well?

Kali: Did you get my Christmas card this year?

Comments

[paisley]

why even bother talking about dan smith when there are rel men like steve tyler walking the planet????? that's all i wanna know......

[Tom]

Wow!! That has got to be one of the funniest things I have ever read. Kali, you are f***ing brilliant! I don't even know what to say. I'm not sure, but I think some of what your "therepist" said to you applies to me and my life too.

[Nick]

I'll say this Kali, you don't disappoint. I mentioned something about specific details in my original comment and....wow...it doesn't get more specific than a gray pubic hair. As Tom said, that was one of the funniest and most honest things I've ever read.

[Kali]

Nick, I can only be so honest when it comes down to Dan. Now, Its only a matter of time, till we get him to comment.

[Charity]

Oh God! It is just not ending...Kali...just go and marry the guy, will you? Wait...is he still alive? Is he one of those dead classic rock artists? OMG! You are starting to get into my head!