How To Run For Political Office

Because of my tarnished past, I always assumed that I would never run for office but lately people have been pissing me off and its time I stand up and do something about it.

Even though I am at the embryonic stage of my political career, I have come up with: FIVE STEPS THAT WILL HELP YOU RUN FOR POLITICAL OFFICE

FIRST STEP: Chose What Office You Are Running For.  Because I have no political experience, I would start with regional store manager of my supermarket . It's a great way to get my face out there without having to worry about raising campaign money.  I like the idea of my image framed over a line of cash registers. 

SECOND STEP: Chose A Photo That Best Depicts Who You Are.

I was initially torn with the "image" I am supposed to represent. At first I thought a photo that said, "Hey, I can hang out and drink with the land lady" would get me the working-class vote but I have decided to go with the "third eye".  Please don't misconstrue my third eye. There is no overt hostility or egotistical motives behind the third eye.  It simply represents my special ability to notice things other New Yorkers notice but refrain from voicing out loud.  I'm just the only one that will bitch about it.  In public. 

THIRD STEP: Chose A Snappy Slogan.  I was considering the following:

"I SPY."

"I've got my eye on you;

"Change in the Blink of a Third Eye;

"An Eye for an Eye;

"It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses an Eye;

"Made In China; I Ain't;

"As you can see, I have not hired a PR firm at this time that will help me "fine tune" things;

FORTH STEP:  What is your Party Affiliate?

Torn between the Pansexual Peace Party and The Pot Party, I have opted for the Libertarian Party.

"FIFTH STEP: Chose a Platform.

Choosing a candidate platform simply means what is you believe in and what it is that you will be bitching about? In my case:

"Abortion: Don't need one.

"Capital Punishment: Supports capital punishment in certain cases

"Gay Marriage: Why not?

"Immigration: Someone's gotta mow my lawn

"High priorities:

" Ban Sidewalk-Spitting

" Ban Sidewalk Tourist Arm-Linking

" Lift the ban on Smoking (More Deaths, Less Health Costs)

" Imprison and/or Assassinate Construction Crew Cat Callers

If there are any major social concerns that I am forgetting to address as a Libertarian store manager, I welcome all and any suggestions. Thank you.

Comments

[Karl]

There's a store I'd be happy to shop in.

[Jim]

Kali, you have inspired me to also run for political office. By this Novemeber, I hope to be Captain of the Staten Island Ferry.

[Peacock & Paisley Natural ADD Cure]

OMG, thank you for starting my day with a roar! Love the party picture, where'd you get your hair cut (in the third eye pic), and I just compliment catcalling construction guys on their assets and that makes them skip a beat.