OUT OF FOCUS

New Self-Help Book, Believe In Your Lies

Everyone wants to be a millionaire. Including this guy:

Introducing self-help author and self-proclaimed millionaire, Stan Matterhorn. What's so great about Stan is that he's not waiting to become a millionaire. He's already acts like one, therefore, he is one.

His is busy at work with a soon-to-be-released self-help book, Start Believing Your Lies; How the lies you tell will impact your life for the better, teaches one just that; how to start believing your lies.

Mr. Matterhorn opened the doors of his home to me and sat down for a brief interview:

Kali: Mr. Matterhorn, thank you for talking to me about your new book, Start Believing Your Lies.

Mr. Matterhorn: Call me M.

Kali: Ugh, OK...M. M, why did you write this book?

M: Why do you want to know?

Kali: Because this is an interview-

M: OK, then. I wrote this book because I was unhappy with my life. And I wanted to make a change.
I was mowing lawns for twenty some odd years. One day, I'm on this palatial estate, mowing away, inhaling pesticides, when all of a sudden I said to myself, I used to smoke grass not cut it. What happened? And then a voice whispered to me and said, "Stan, start believing your lies". And I did.

Kali: Sort of like, "If you build it, he will come"?

M: I don't know what that means-

Kali: It's from a Kevin Costner film. Forget it. So what happened after that?

M: I went home and took a shower.

Kali: No, I mean, what happened after that? the revelation?

M: I rang the doorbell of the palatial estate and the wealthy heiress answered the door-

Kali: No butler?

M: No butler. And that's when I said to her, "I don't need to mow your lawn because I have more money than you".

Kali: Did you?

M: No.

Kali: You believed your own lie-

M: Yes, I believed my own lie-

Kali: And then you started making money-

M: No I never did. But I keep believing my lies.

Kali: I don't get it.

M: I have more money now than I could ever have imagined because I believe in my own lies. There's nothing I don't need in life because, through lying, I have everything I need.

Kali: So are you lying right now?

M: About what?

Kali: Having everything you need?

M: You mean, the actual lie that I tell myself or the belief in the lie?

Kali: Yes.

M: No , it's no lie. I have everything I need.

Kali: Relationships?

M: Numerous.

Kali: Polygamous?

M: No, fruitful.

Kali: How do you maintain more than one relationship?

M: By being the best mate I can possibly be.

Kali: Is that a lie?

M: To myself, yes. To you, no.

Kali: Isn't that a bit narcassistic?

M: It's altrustic.

Kali: But its all a lie?

M: In theory.

*****
At that moment Mr. Matterhorn or M, as he likes being called, had to excuse himself because his personal masseuse was coming over for his morning massage. I don't know if that was a lie or not but when he emerged from the bedroom, dressed in his ornate Chinese Kimono, he was more relaxed than his Persian cat nestled on top of his coffeemaker. Or was that I lie? Did I really see his cat warming on top of his Boca Java? Or was that the part where, I too, started believing his lies?

He made his way to the kitchen where I patiently waited and motioned me to sit on his antique bed centered in his kitchen.
"This way I can have breakfast in bed everyday", he said tearing off a large chuck of Irish soda bread.

That was no lie. The only other advice M offered from his book is to live by the Triple D's:

Deception- Misleading those for the benefit of others is as altruistic as one can get.
Dishonesty-Don't stand up for what you believe in. The truth will only cause chaos and where there's chaos, there's violence.
Doublespeak-The heart of a relationship.

I don't know how anyone can be attracted to the idea of Triple D's but M swore Triple D's are the core of what life is all about.

I haven't decided if I am going to read his book but I did leave with this:

Life is an Oxymoron. Start lying.

So You Say You Don't Like Living in America?

I was walking my dog on one of New York's beautiful piers yesterday evening and I heard a snippet of conversation:

"I hate living in this country". It stopped me in my tracks. I looked over and their sat a very well dressed, overfed white male in his mid to late 30's.

Because I have ADD and keep neglecting to by that taser gun, I had to keep walking. And walk with disgust I did.

What does a very well dressed, overfed white male in his mid to late 30's living in one of the most exclusive zip codes have to hate about this country? Where has he been done wrong?

Well, Michael Moore-wannabe, why don't think about this:

You're white. You're privledged.

You're male. You're privledged.

You're rich. You're privledged.

You're Fat. You can afford a 6 lb. T-bone steak. You're privledged.

And why don't you think about this?

You don't live in the Iraqi village of Hasira where 60 percent of the women and girls have had their clitoris removed.

You don't live in the Islamic Republic of Iran where I would be buried up to my head and stones to death if I got a little loose one night after one beer too many (of coarse, there is no beer for them).

You don't live in Southeast Asia where my highest paying job available would be prostitution.

You don't live in China kidnapped, drugged, placed on a train and sold for about $1,500 as a bride to a brick maker. That's right. China.

Do us all a favor, shut up and run some laps around that pier. Or better yet, jump off.

The following clip is from Trey Parker & Matt Stone's Team America: World Police. If you haven't seen the film, rent it!

How To Run For Political Office

Because of my tarnished past, I always assumed that I would never run for office but lately people have been pissing me off and its time I stand up and do something about it.

Even though I am at the embryonic stage of my political career, I have come up with: FIVE STEPS THAT WILL HELP YOU RUN FOR POLITICAL OFFICE

FIRST STEP: Chose What Office You Are Running For.  Because I have no political experience, I would start with regional store manager of my supermarket . It's a great way to get my face out there without having to worry about raising campaign money.  I like the idea of my image framed over a line of cash registers. 

SECOND STEP: Chose A Photo That Best Depicts Who You Are.

I was initially torn with the "image" I am supposed to represent. At first I thought a photo that said, "Hey, I can hang out and drink with the land lady" would get me the working-class vote but I have decided to go with the "third eye".  Please don't misconstrue my third eye. There is no overt hostility or egotistical motives behind the third eye.  It simply represents my special ability to notice things other New Yorkers notice but refrain from voicing out loud.  I'm just the only one that will bitch about it.  In public. 

THIRD STEP: Chose A Snappy Slogan.  I was considering the following:

"I SPY."

"I've got my eye on you;

"Change in the Blink of a Third Eye;

"An Eye for an Eye;

"It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses an Eye;

"Made In China; I Ain't;

"As you can see, I have not hired a PR firm at this time that will help me "fine tune" things;

FORTH STEP:  What is your Party Affiliate?

Torn between the Pansexual Peace Party and The Pot Party, I have opted for the Libertarian Party.

"FIFTH STEP: Chose a Platform.

Choosing a candidate platform simply means what is you believe in and what it is that you will be bitching about? In my case:

"Abortion: Don't need one.

"Capital Punishment: Supports capital punishment in certain cases

"Gay Marriage: Why not?

"Immigration: Someone's gotta mow my lawn

"High priorities:

" Ban Sidewalk-Spitting

" Ban Sidewalk Tourist Arm-Linking

" Lift the ban on Smoking (More Deaths, Less Health Costs)

" Imprison and/or Assassinate Construction Crew Cat Callers

If there are any major social concerns that I am forgetting to address as a Libertarian store manager, I welcome all and any suggestions. Thank you.

Having "The Runs" in Hollywood

ADD Symptom" Is it dyslexia or is it that you just can't read?

As I was speed walking underground from one subway to the next, I saw this film poster duplicating itself along rows and rows of wall tile.  When I finally got to the No. 2 train platform, I saw the poster again. I stopped and stared.

The Runs.  That's right. 

Not The Ruins but The Runs.

That's what my unfocused eye saw. I must have stared at the poster

for a solid three minutes and as each second ticked by, heat rose beneath my shirt collar. So I turned to the bike messenger standing next to me and I said:

"Leave it to Hollywood to profit off of diarrhea.  Why couldn't I have thought of that?" 

He walked away from me.  Feeling slighted, I called back to him, "Shouldn't you be on a bicycle?"

I figured this bike messenger must have been a fan of the film and I kept thinking irritable bowel syndrome and gastric intestinal issues are never the plot devices I typically have in mind.

Should I?

The Runs, I thought.  What could it possibly be about? 

LOG LINE 1: A bloated woman has less that 24 hours to "hold it in".

LOG LINE 2: A dehydrated woman has less that 24 hours to "hold it in" while saving the world from extinction.

LOG LINE 3: A laxative overdose reunites a young woman and brings relief to a Mayan civilization.

I can imagine the trailer....it remind me of a film I shot years back.  Some of you may have already seen the trailer...you might be able to get the DVD...

This Is Where I'm At Right Now

I often read Tara McGillicuddy's blog about ADHD and today's blog post really hit me hard.  I get Julie's story. The ability to multi-task to the point where others may label you as overworked or think you are insane to overburden yourself with so many activities and "projects". 

At over-energized state of mind.

So now, I am one two pills:

One that speeds me up

and

One that supposed to slow me down...

I feel like Alice Through the Looking Glass.

The Monkey On My Back

The most commonly used phrase by those with Attention Deficit is unquestionably, "I forgot". 

After an anxiety attack on the plane: "Oh my God, I forgot to take my Xanax"

After a minor break in: "Sh*t, I forgot to call the cops."

After getting caught buying liquor for minors: "Damn, I forgot to use a fake name".

Its non-stop forgetfulness that can be tremendously frustrating....until I found:

(Cue Commercial Music) Monkey On Your Back 

Monkey On Your Back is a To-Do List for things you want other people To-Do.

Now you too can delegate your responsibilities onto others and not feel guilty for slacking off.

Its an incredibly effective way of staying organized and you can also send monkeys to yourself.

Try it.

 

 

New York I Love You Film Shoot Feeds the Homeless

Crack & Dinkins would make a great name for the law offices of a pair of defunct personal injury lawyers, but for New Yorkers who remember New York in the 90's, the names now just bring up bad agida. Since then, racial tensions have weakened, cappuccino has substitute from crack, and the city has become more and more altruistic.

A perfect example of how selfless this city has become is the street filming of the feature film, New York I Love You.  Not only do these film folks generate more income for us, they also also make it a long day affair to feed the homeless by setting up these elaborate buffet tables. 

For free.

Food everywhere.

When was the last time I could gorge for free on a mini smoked salmon and caper croissant, or as they say, cwa-sonn.

I just could not pass up on the festivities and made sure to share the happy discovery with my fellow neighbors. 

I wonder if the homeless can tell a fresh baked good from a stale one?  I know I sure can.

I give New York I Love You a thumbs-up.

It'll gonna be worth the exorbitant ticket price and two buckets of popcorn.

http://adhd.typepad.com/kali_karagias/2008/04/new-york-i-love.html