How to Vote Twice. Legally.

A typical ADHD moment.

I’m no crook or criminal.  I don’t deliberately cheat the system although sometimes I make honest mistakes that make me look like I cheat the system. 

Like when it comes to voting.

Last presidential election, I ended up voting twice, causing quite the ruckus.

Allow me to defend myself.

It was election year 2004. I bounce into P.S. 99 with my voting card in hand.  I am getting some stares because I am overly ecstatic knowing that my vote is the one that is going to make the difference.  There is a long line and each time it gets longer I chat more people up.

I ask them who there voting for.  I pry into their personal lives. I nonchalantly rubberneck, trying to get a peak between the striped-colored curtain and the Hospital Green voting booth. 

"You, hello! You.  You're next! Go-"

Three different voices coming at me at once.  Two are from behind and the other from the tiny, iron-fisted Senior ushering me towards the booth. 

I don't know what I was thinking but as soon as I walked into the booth, I pulled the lever, the curtain closes behind me and then I pull the lever back and the curtain opens once again.  I felt like a magician.

KALI:    "I'm sorry, I didn't get to vote." I accidentally pulled the lever."

BLUE HAIR: "Whatdya mean, you accidentally pulled the lever? You just voted!"

KALI: "No I didn't. I forgot to vote.  I just pulled the lever back and forth without thinking. Or maybe I just thought I had to wash the other voter's vote off the machine so I can start fresh-I don't know.  I just didn't vote-"

BLUE HAIR: "What the hell are you talking about?  Have you ever voted before?"

KALI: "Yes, I have- I screw up.  I'm sorry-I didn't vote-"

BLUE HAIR: Calling loudly across the room. "Bruce, I have a problem! This one pulled the lever but didn't vote!!"

HUSKY BRUCE:"What do you mean she didn't vote?"

BLUE HAIR: I mean she didn't vote.  She forgot to vote.

Impatient Woman in line behind me:  "Just let her vote.  She screwed up"

Outspoken Guy at the end of the line: "That's her problem. She doesn't get to vote again."

Impatient Woman: "She didn't even vote-".

Outspoken Guy at the end of the line: "She lost her vote.  She already voted. No one gets to vote twice!"

Impatient Woman: "She doesn't just lose her vote-!"

Bruce walks up to me.

BRUCE: "You really didn't vote?"

KALI: "I'm sorry, Sir, I did not vote-"

BRUCE: So then why'de you pull the lever?

BLUE HAIR: "She says she didn't know.  There's always one in the bunch-"

Impatient Woman: "Just let her vote for Christ sake!"

At this point I am purple with embarrassment.

I lean into the Blue Haired Lady's face.

KALI: "I really need to talk to you-"

BLUE HAIR: "What now!"

KALI:(Whispering) I'm dyslexic and can't read that well. That's why I pulled the lever.

Blue Hair has an "Ahhhh she's just stupid" look on her face.  She leans into Bruce.

BLUE HAIR: "She's disabled-"

Bruce: "She shoulda a said something. Eh, just let her vote".  He walks away.

So now I am in the voting booth, fake-crying real tears.

BLUE HAIR: "Why didn't you just tell me?"

KALI: " I was too embarrassed.'"

A reassuring Grandma's hand on the shoulder.

BLUE HAIR: "Honey, you gotta ask for help...Next time just ask for help-"

I force a shameful smile.

We vote together. Grandma and me.

I walk out of the booth.  As I exit, I walk along the long line of people still watching.
I stop in front of Outspoken Guy At The End Of The Line.

I lean into him.

"Hey", guess what? I just voted twice".   

True story.

Comments

[Roland Hulme]

You are the greatest human being to ever live. I am in awe of you.

Depending on who the votes were for, of course!!!

[Joshua]

You rock. Simply put. Touche'.

[Lisa McGlaun]

I got the biggest laugh out of this. I love how you gave it to the guy at then end of the line...or did you? Maybe you did vote twice? LOL

This is great. After this tension filled primary season I needed a voting fiasco to make me smile.

[Kali]

I actually did vote twice and I swear the first was an accident. I really told her I
had dyslexia.

I don't know what I was thinking :)

[Karl]

And to think we're trying to get 63% of the country to vote ONCE.

[Tara McGillicuddy]

OMG...I am laughing so hard at this I have tears dripping down my face. We still have paper ballots here so I haven't had that problem YET...lol

[Jaime Banse]

That sounds like something I would pull.

Great writer Kali!
I love it