How to kill a Cockroach, Psycho Style

I could not decide whether to categorize this post as Humor or Horror.

I would do prison time- I repeat- I would do prison time-two years- in exchange for never seeing another cockroach a.k.a water bug in my
apartment again.

I must admit, after living in New York City for 15 years, the city for which I kiss the ground that I walk on, I must admit, that my city is filthy.

I take out my garbage. I don't litter. I recycle. I'm the best damn Samaritan as they come, yet I have been cursed on and off with the presence of mice and cockroaches for the last fifteen years. Photo

Tonight, I saw a cockroach aka water bug. I guess when they grow big enough to do pool laps, they become water bugs.

This particular one was bigger than a Keebler cracker.

This has not been the first time I've received visit nor will it be the last. So now, in a drunken stupor, I must pass on my knowledge and expertise in:

STEPS TO TAKE WHEN ENCOUNTERING A WATER BUG:

1. Scream maniacally informing all neighbors of a break-in.

2. Chase cockroach with bottle of Rite Aid Glass Cleaner and spray until immobilized (you as well as the cockroach). This should take anywhere between 30 and 55 minutes.

3. Get kitchen size garbage bag, vacuum bag, foam ear plugs and Elexctrolux vacuum with three-to-six foot attachment.

4 . Plug in Electrolux vacuum while inserting earplugs to prevent the sound of a cockroach being sucked up the tube of vacuum. Place vacuum tube inches away from the immobilized cockroach.

5. Turn on Vacuum.

6. Turn away. Wait.

7. Look and see if water bug has been sucked up by vacuum. If not, reposition nozzle.

8. Wipe tears from eyes. Look again. If successful, turn off vacuum, take out vacuum bag and place in plastic kitchen bag. Seal tightly.

9. Walk to dark street corner, deposit bag in public trash receptacle as if nothing happened.

10. Smile to passing pedestrian and make predictable joke about cold weather.

11. Go back home,pour double shot, curse and listen to Pink Floyd's, The Wall like angry, stoned teenager.

12. Repeat if necessary.

After listening to side B of the album, I do to get a drink of water and I see something dark walk by. IMPOSSIBLE!! I looked more shocked than George C. Scott in The Changeling. It was either a family member of this bug pulled a total Houdini on me.

After reliving this drama twice in one night, I'm ten years older and ten drinks drunker.

How can one be so weak?

Comments

[Roland Hulme]

Cockroachs SERIOUSLY wig me out. I grew up on a farm, so I'm not squeamish - but seeing cockroachs just makes me shudder. Eugh.

Ha! I went to school with one of Pink Floyd's children. One day, they came to our school and did a gig for, like, 150 snotty pre-teen kids and we all (one after the other, in a big long crocodile line) got to shake their hands.

Now, twenty years later, people say: "Wow, that's awesome" when they hear that story.

But at the time, I hardly knew who they were!!

[chris lee]

Let the word go out to the insect world, Kali Karagias is kickin' roach-ASS an' takin' names!! :)

[I eat snowman poop]

oh wow

[BillyWarhol]

LOLLLLL

I thought U were ridding the World of the Bigoted Picketers!!

;))

I remember going to Cancun Mexico + our room had Stucco Walls + it was Full of Cockroaches with their Antennae sticking out - Needless to say I was sleeping with 1 Eye Open*

Even tho I killed quite a few I knew it was just the Tip o the Iceberg* We had them Spray the Room - Gross Smell!!

But then I realized that Cockroaches Keebler Size are like common House Flies down there + like U I just Drank Heavily for the rest o the 2 weeks + fergot about 'em!!

;))

[SoupNumber5]

Glass cleaner cleans everything! I use it when one of my dogs vomits on the couch. Such a wonderful product. 101 usages.