Two Blond Bubble Heads Found Dead In My Building

Or at least that's what the head lines would have read if I still had the A.D.D. temper of a ten year old.  Thank you, Wellbutrin. All homework aside, the only think that could get my out of bedding and blogging at 1 am are the two blond bubble heads in my building.  Allow me to paint the picture of this evening's events:

It's 12:15 AM and I'm close to a dead sleep.  All of a sudden, I am awaken by the sound of my apartment buzzer.  As always, my Wheatan Terrier starts barking, only tonight, I wish he sounded more like a Pit bull.
So I ignore for the three five minutes and then shortly after, I start cursing the damn Chinese delivery guy.  Another three minutes goes by, its buzzing again.  OK, this is ridiculous, I'm thinking. I gotta get this guy shipped back to Shanghai. So I get out of bed, I walk to my buzzer and lean into it, "Hello?" Nothing.  "Hello?".  Still nothing.  So I stand on my kitchen chair, look out the window and I see a white man who looked like he fell right out of The Preppy Handbook, carry a bouquet of roses.  OK, this is creepy, I think to myself.  He's standing right next to the buzzer but he's not responding.  Maybe his M.O is me buzzing him into the building, he breaks into my apartment, rapes and kills me and leaves his "signature rose bouquet" next to my lifeless body.  Hey, I've watch films like American Psycho.  Three times. 

So I go back to bed.  The ringing starts again.  OK, so this is when I call the police, I think to myself.  I walk over to my window again look down and see no one.  My dog is barking maniacally now so I have him rush out first and we walk together to the front door.  No one is there.  I look around.  No one is there.  Just as I am about to close the front door of the building, Bubble Head #1, who we rent a small apartment to above ours, emerges out of no where.   She's got this glassy if-I have-another-gin-and-tonic-I'm gonna-puke-look on her face.  I look at her like she's an insurgent.

Kali: What the hell are you doing?

The Robert Chambers look-a-like pops out of nowhere and stand right next to her.

Bubble Head: My roommates grandfather died.  I need to get into my apartment. Can I have keys? You have keys to my apartment, right?

Kali:  Your lucky I didn't bring a gun to the front door (it would be the first time but this is also coming from someone who fell asleep watching Serpico)

Bubble Head: How do I get in?  I need to get in?

Kali:  It's almost one o'clock in the morning I don't know where the hell the spares are!

Bubble Head: Well I don't have keys so what do I do?

Reluctantly, I escort The Odd Couple into my apartment and after emptying out a handful of junk drawers, I find what I think are keys to her apartment. I hand them to her.

Bubble Head: Hang on, lemme go try them.

Meanwhile, Biff is still standing at my apartment door just staring at me.  What, does he want me to offer him tea sandwiches? But I 'm still thinking that at this point he could be a killer.  Call me paranoid, but I read The Post once a month. 

Bubble Head screams down, "They work!"

Great, let the whole neighborhood know. Biff hands me the keys.

Kali: I thought she doesn't have keys?

Biff: She doesn't

Kali: Then what the hell are you giving them to me for?  How do you plan on getting in tomorrow?

Biff: uh...duhhh...

I smack the keys into his soft girly smooth hands.

Kali: You sure as hell are not buzzing me tomorrow night.

And I slam the door.

Biff: You forgot your dog.

I unbolt the apartment door.

Kali: Come in, Fozzy.

The Preppy jackass laughs!  No friggin thank you or I'm sorry.  Nothing.  After psychotic behavior of buzzing my door for twenty minutes, not talking into the buzzer like a zombie, the bitch and bastard have no manners to just say I'm sorry, knowing damn well that I have a three year old sound asleep.

What does That Preppy Hand Book teach them anyway? Times like this I really miss the Wild Wild West.  I would have played Tick Tack Toe on his plaid shirt with a shot gun.  Ah, but gone are those days.

Good thing I didn't fall asleep watching The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

 

Comments

[Mark Dykeman]

Neighbors....

[julian]

AGHhhhh HAAA haaaa ... And,
"I would have played Tick Tack Toe on his plaid shirt with a shot gun."

...awhhh, a pure wit of words Kali!!!

Glad yer still Rawwk'n'Hard yoo skool-gurl ! ~julian

[Sarcasm Abounds]

I think you could have shot him with impunity; no court in the land would convict you for your response after midnight.

You could also fall back onto the "The Wellbutrin made me do it" defense as the pharmaceutical plea seem to be popular these days.

SA

[Kali]

Your response was the best laugh I have had all day! Thank you Kali

[Yankee Doodle]

Kali, you're just too intolerant.

ROFL

[meleah]

Damn. I thought MY neighbors were annoying. Hope you got some much needed rest!

[Vanessa]

I woulda cut a bitch. Either of them. Or maybe both...

[Lisa McGlaun]

Wow...I'd say you were darn accomodating. A thank you would have been the least they could have offered. Sheesh.

[Keli]

Every time I drive my car in the city, I miss the Wild West.
Stupid and rude in the wee hours of the morning plus your tot sleeping? You showed great self-restraint!

[Mark Dykeman]

Hello? Anyone home?