OUT OF FOCUS

Lindsay Lohan Wins the Drunk Derelict Award

This in from The New York Post...

According to www.alcoholalert.com, there

were 16,885 alcohol-related fatalities in
2005 (most current stats).

The 16,885 fatalities in alcohol-related crashes during 2005 represent an average
of one alcohol-related fatality every 31 minutes.

With Lindsay Lohan on the road? Every 3 minutes.

Would somebody smack that Freckle-faced Alchie's smile off her face! Liquored-Up Lindsay won't be smiling when she kills a family of four on their way to Wally World.

The Inebriated Idiot boasts her alcohol monitor ankle bracelet like its a F*uckin Disney Charm Bracelet.

Go stick a butter knife in a toaster, Lindsay.

And the Nominees are....

 

Thank you to Lisa Mc Glaun of Life Prints for nominating me for Blogging Community Involvement Award!
Thank you, Lisa.  I wish I had my acceptance speech ready, but I've decided to use this one instead:

Please allow me to pass the award at the podium in my way-too-long-and-gold Hollywood gown!

And the new nominees are.....

Meleah Rebeccah!  for http://www.melevision.net/ having the best time management skills known to man!

Ekrem! for http://health18.blogspot.com/ A med student in Turkey whose concern for women's health means a lot to me.

Female from a small town in Alabama!...http://ieatsnowmanpoop.blogspot.com/ The best cake designer I've seen. 

Ian for http://www.disabled-world.com/ Making the disabled community everybody's community.  Now if only we could only get an elevator at ever station stop in the NYC subway system.

and...

Erin Balser and Brian for http://keetsa.com/.  Helping to keep us all environmentally aware without getting too political.

Now, I've an after-party to tend to...

Coffee Links To Al Quaeda's Agression

When I’m not dodging bears, bobcats of falcons in the mountains of Colorado, I spend a great deal of time at the library.  Yes.  The library. Since I can never make up my mind on what I’d like to read, I close my eyes and walk down any aisle, arms outstretched, and the first book I touch, I check out.

Yesterdays book was Caffeine Blues by Stephen Cherniske, M.S.  His book mentions that coffee (caffeine) causes:

adrenal stress
low blood pressure
mood and energy swings
depression
malnutrition
insomnia
decrease in brain function
and my very favorite anger and hostility.

So does coffee have any links to Attention Deficit Disorder?  Stephen Cherniske makes no mention in his book, although I did find on one A.D.D. website that making your children a protein shake with General Mills coffee is a recommended dietary drink for kids with A.D.D.  I also found on this website that 100 mg of caffeine equals 5 mg of Ritalin.  Who knew?

But more importantly:
"Coffee causes anger and hostility"

Since coffee is found to be a root cause of anger and hostility, wouldn't it be safe to say that coffee may very well be the link to Al Quaeda's aggression? 

Is anyone monitoring their coffee intake? 

Only a real caffeine addict would have the ability to master those monkey bars. Their agility to glide across those bars like any third grader is telling proof that they are pushing past the recommended moderate level of 300 mg/day ( A level not supported by Stephen Cherniske).

Consider the average recruit's complexion:

Puffiness around the eye area or the "reverse raccoon look": a sign that your caffeine intake is depleting your body of water and nutrients.

Brownish/dark colored spots: Again.  Too much caffeine but nothing a little exfoliation with lemon won't cure.

Ruddy a.k.a. plethoric complexion: Tells me your caffeine intake exceeds way over 1440 mg a day. That's like 12 cups @ 120mg /per cup. Try a nighttime toner and blemish removal cream prescribed by your dermatologist.

Coarse brittle hair: Born with it.

In fact, are Al Quaeda recruits even aware of the food pyramid?

If you see here, caffeine is at the very top of the pyramid which means less consumption of caffeine, fats and oils and the most consumption of grains, breads and cereals.  (Although I think this pyramid may be a bit outdated).

If you are an Al Quaeda recruit or know of anyone who is, you may want to take the Caffeine Blues Addiction Quiz.

If you find that you are addicted consider getting on the
Off The Bean and On To Vitality system that is a pain-free way of kicking the caffeine habit!

City Slicker Goes Bonkers Over Bobcat

I wake up in New York city stepping over whinos.
I wake in Colorado stepping over bobcats.  Well, almost.
I have the same routine every morning here while vacationing in the mountains of Colorado.  I awake around 7 am,  I brewed my coffee, feed my three year old daughter and lastly, chase my Wheatan Terrier around the back lawn until he’s ready to call it a morning.

So this particular morning, I am out in the back lawn with child and dog.  My dog, Fozzy, plays the 'Yeah- go-ahead-try-to-catch-me-you-can’t-catch-me- game'.  So he’s gnawing on a stick and I run forward waiting for him to catch me and straight ahead eighty feet in front of me is a bobcat. 

Here’s some facts about bobcats:
Bobcats like to live in wooded areas and tall grass.
Gee, the same place Kali is vacationing.

They usually live alone on a territory that is from 5 - 50 miles long.
Wrong   They are living in Kali’s backyard where she is vacationing.

They are nocturnal (night animals), and many of their prey are night animals too.
Wrong   This bobcat decided to have a cup of Folger’s with Kali.

They eat rabbits, rats, squirrels and ground birds.
Gee, the same animals found in Kali’s backyard.

Sometimes they will kill and eat chickens or lambs on a farm.
Kali’s Wheatan Terrier resembles a lamb.

Bobcats can only eat about 3 pounds of meat at a time, so if they get a big animal like a deer, they will drag it to a safe spot and cover it up.
Strong enough to drag Kali, caveman-style, by her long hair.

Later they will come back, eating again and again, until the meat rots.
Kali will not be having a proper burial.

They see and hear very well. This helps them hunt.
Kali’s hearing has deteriorated from too many metal concerts in the 80's and
can no longer brag of 20/20 vision.

The soft pads on their feet help them to sneak up on an animal quietly.
Right when Kali is on the cell phone complaining of the boredom she is experiencing
in “the mountains”.

Bobcats can run at up to 30 miles per hour, but they would rather walk.
Lucky for Kali who hasn’t ran since the 50 yard dash in eighth grade.

Bobcats hide in bushes and leap out when a rabbit or a squirrel runs by. They use their claws to catch the animal, then kill their prey by biting the animal’s neck.

OK, I am getting a little light headed now. When my eye lands on the Bobcat, sitting so quietly just observing us, I said in a strong, hushed tone, “FOZZY! Get in the house- NOW ”  And I scooped up my three-year-old and slammed the screen door.  A pathetic screen door.  Can’t the bobcat rip through that screen door? So what did I do next?  What every concerned citizen would do; I ran to the computer and Googled him.

That’s where I got all my facts.  One site mentioned if you make loud noises, the bobcat will run away.  So I went back to where he was still frozen in time and I yelled,” Get out of here ”.  He turned his head and looked at me as if saying, “Shut up lady, I'm enjoying myself”.Then I proceeded to slam the screen door a dozen or so times.  He still didn’t move.

Since my blood pressure was rising and I felt a panic attack coming on, I decided to stop watching him from inside.  Moments later I am washing the breakfast dishes and I see him through the window, doing what he does best; stalking some prey although I don’t know what it was.

I finally ran to the garage, got in the rental car with dog and child and fled. We went to a park where I met some a local and told her the story.  This was her response:

“You saw a bobcat?  You don’t know how lucky you are   I’ve been here twenty years and I’ve never seen a bobcat! ”

That’s like saying to an Israeli:
“You saw a suicide bomber? You don’t know who lucky you are  I’ve been in Tel Aviv from twenty years and I’ve never seen a suicide bomber! ”

My friend Jim says the craziest things happen to me and I agree with him.  I just have no clue as to why.  Why me?  Why do I have an encounter with a bobcat when all I want is just to relax? My friend Patti tells me I am in desperate need of some past life regression work. (What?) I have no desire to find out if I was a bank robber or an arsonist in a previous life.

The next person that tells me 'the mountains are a great place to relax', I am going to start stalking them myself. Unexpected bobcats are just another great reason why I choose to live in gritty New York City.  Stepping over a whino every morning is a lot less threatening;  he can’t run 30 miles an hour and he can’t hide in the tall grass because there is no tall grass and quite frankly, I’d rather share a cup of Folger’s with him instead of a bobcat.

Tammy Faye Passes Away

Most us remember her as Tammy Faye Bakker.  Or just plain Tammy Faye. 
The televangelist once married to the crooked pervert and financial cheat, Jim Bakker, who was involved in a sex scandal with the very memorable Jessica Hahn.  Jessica Hahn, the first woman who ever used her breast implants as flotation device.

It was announced by her family today that Tammy Faye unfortunately  lost her battle to Cancer.  Tammy Faye.  The woman who was so easily identified by her mascara covered eyes. The woman who will be forever immortalized on SNL by the very funny Jan Hooks.

When I think of Tammy Faye Bakker, I think of the time that I played a hooker on the Christian Broadcasting Network. It was in the eighties, the same exact time Tammy was a super celebrity. That's right.  I played a hooker turned undercover cop.  It was for a television show whose name I cannot recall and we shot on the streets of the "old Times Square"before it became Disneyfied. I was in my early twenties and I thought I hit celebrity status when the camera was rolling on eighth Avenue with 80 or so people watching us film.  Boy, was I wrong. I was hookered-up in white leather, fishnets and heels.  I had to "come on" and then hand cuff a good Nigerian Christian and then haul him off in a police car. 

A month later I was flown to Virgina Beach to loop some sound for the show where I almost pledged into becoming a born again. That's a whole other blog entry! 

If I could dig up the video of me as the do-gooder-hooker at my parent's house, I swear I will post it.  In the meantime, here's Jan Hooks in an SNL sketch.  I had no luck finding her playing the Tammy Faye character but this is just as memorable.

 

Woman Encounters Bear in Aspen and Hits Speeds of up to 80 MPR on Bike

That's what the headline would have read if someone had spotted me on the bike trails of Colorado.  You know, they say the mountains are relaxing.  Well Id like to know who "they " is and debunk that myth.

It was a hot day in August.  Biking is pretty much the only sport that I can tolerate at a high altitude.I started in Snowmass.   Early afternoon as I headed on down the Rio Grande Trail with just a backpack and its bare necessities:

Bottle of water- for when I start to dehydrate
2 Balance Bars- for when my blood sugar drops
A pack of gum- in case I need to repair a popped tire
A cell phone- for when I need to call a cab

Exhausted after ten miles, I struggled up a small hill when I started to smell in the air that I was very close to Aspen; the familiar smell of L.A. folks trying too hard to be noticed.  So I am on the trail, just me and the bike.  I am past the point of fatigue and
frustration thinking, why the hell didn't I just  go to the hot springs?
All of a sudden, I happen to look at my right and 100 feet away from me, I see a large brown bear the size of a Volkswagen. He was drinking water,  started lifting his head and was about to turn in my direction. 

Do I lay dead  or do I panic?  I went with the wiser choice. I panicked.
The fatigue that was previously building in my thighs dissipated instantly.  I was Wonder Woman on Wheels.  I peddled and peddled.  Peddled as fast as I could and all I could think of was, I shouldn't have embarrassed myself the night I met Billy Idol.  I should have canceled some of my credit cards.  I shouldn't told my mother the day I cut school and drove to the casinos with just my permit.

I refused to look back.  I was convinced that the bear was sprinting behind me, like a runner to a finish line. That damn Balance Bar!  I had eaten one and swore I could smell the chocolate and caramel still lingering off the wrapper in my bag.  Why the hell did I listen to that guy in the bike shop?  Bring something to eat?  Please.  The bear would claw me from behind and tackle me to the ground.  Wait.  The bear was wearing patchouli?  Where's that smell coming from?  It the near distance I saw two hippie chicks walking side by side on the trail.  I started screaming to them, "Turn around!  There's a bear!  Turn around!  You're doing to diiieeee!"  Then one screamed back, "Get off your bike!"  Get off my bike? What was she crazy?  But then I thought, these hippie chicks must be locals.  They must know something I don't know about bears.  I got off my bike and they walked towards me.  One took my bike and the other put her hands firmly on my shoulders.  She looked me dead in the face and said, "You are hyperventilating!  You have to breath.  Breath with me-on the count of three-breath with me" . 

I breathed with her. They told me that it was common this time of year to see bears lingering off the trail and most of the time they wouldn't bother you.  What does most of the time mean?

"Where's your bell?" one of the girls asked me.
"Bell?  What bell?" I asked. 
"If you ever see a bear, you should ring a bell.  It startles the bear and will send her off running".

So the guys sells me two balance bars and a canteen.  What about a bell?  I guess he knew I was from  New York.  And had a sick sense of humor.

If you or anyone you know encounter a bear, here are some tips to staying alive. http://bears.mnr.gov.on.ca/gen_encounter.html

Or if you are thinking of making a career change involving bears, you may want to see this:

 

Any Soldier.com

Any Soldier.com

I came across a blog yesterday called Life Prints-Good News for a More Compassionate World authored by Lisa McGlaun.  He blog entry entitled, Assisted Living Residents Remember the Importance of Wartime Letters/Packages took me back to the first Gulf War.

I was a freshman in college, 19 going on 30, drinking way too much coffee and paying way too much attention to boys. I had assembled care packages of sweets and stuff for the soldiers and upon opening the packages, the soldiers would see pictures of me taped to the inside of the box.  Pictures of me in way-too-short miniskirts against a river’s dock with my hair blowing in the wind. (What was I thinking? Better yet, what was my mom thinking?) Back then, those photos were categorized as risqué by my friends and I.  Today, in the age of webcams, those photos seems pretty tame.  Tame like wearing a skirted bathing suit on the beach back in the 40’s. That’s what we did when we were 18.

So today, during intermission in the “Chaos of Kali’s World” I decided to relive the experience of that package thanks to Lisa’s mention of Anysoldier.com. AnySoldier.com has a long list of soldiers emails requesting items they need overseas and it allows you to fulfill their requests by sending a package overseas. Kind of like a Secret Santa. Just don’t expect a thank you reply.  They’re probably too busy.

If you think you don’t “have the time”, allow me to help you organize you time:

1.    10 minutes: Walk into CVS or your choice of pharmacy or supermarket. Purchase cookies, baby wipes, Trail Mix and Beef Jerky as requested by one particular soldier. If you don't have the cash, charge it.
2.    5 minutes:  Stop by hardware store and get free paint box to ship items.
3.    15 minutes:  Insert Items.  Toss in notebook and pen for letter writing. Wrap package with left over grocery paper bags. Have packaging tape readily available.
4.    10 minutes: Walk to post office.  Use automated machine to pay for postage.  No lines.

TOTAL TIME:  40 minutes.  Not bad. 40 minutes I would have spent in the steam room.

Bikini pics optional.  At this age, I have decided to leave those out.

    

ON THE DOWN LOW

ADD Symptom:  Having a Real Concern for those living "on the down low"

I can't recall if I have posted this video yet but its a serious issue that is prevalent in the African American community.  Men living "on the down low". 

Please watch and share this Public Service Announcement with those you love.

Placing A Limitation On Procreation

ADD Symptom:  No tolerance for dinner conversation with the Swiss and Famous.

Dinner conversation was stiff from the start. My husband and I were hosting a dinner at a fancy restaurant for some business clients and friends.  Between the second and third course one Swedish female X-model said she had to make an announcement.  Since her previous conversation consisted of how she spends her money, I was really looking forward to this announcement.   She fidgeted in her chair, heightened herself two or three inches and announced, “Me and Michael are expecting another baby.”
Mind you the dinner table was already peppered with five of their fair-haired kids ranging from three to ten years old.  Forced congratulations started going around the table as if they were rehearsed.  When it was my turn to express my enthusiasm for their baby-to-be, I said, “I’m sorry to hear that”. 

Dead Silence at the table. 

Two seconds later, a burst of laughter as if it was a joke.  It was no joke.

She swung her long, think blond hair back and said, “What did you say?”
“I said, I’m sorry to hear that. Was it an accident?”
Still unsure of how to take my comments she blurted, “Michael and I really want another child”.
“A sixth one?  Why, to start a baseball team?” I asked.
Then the other voices started mumbling over the uncomfortable conversation hoping I would change the subject.
Glaring defensively she said, “No, I love having a big family.”
“So do the Brady’s and the Bradford’s but that was television in the 70’s and this is ‘07", I added.
“I don’t care what year it is, I just love to take care of them.”
“So do your two nannies, I said sarcastically.”
“Are you saying I‘m a bad mother because I have help?”
“I’m not saying it, but your kids will.”
“So what are you trying to say?”
“I’m just saying, whether you worked on Wall Street or made quilts and sold them at street fairs, that would justify you having two nannies. But all you do is lunch.  That’s all you’ve been talking about the last half hour. And lunching will only make you fat and who wants to be fat with six kids? Certainly not your god-looking husband. Personally, I would feel a bit like a Retriever. Having a litter of pups around me and not knowing if another one is going to pop out.”

I don’t know if its ADD and an uncontrollable firing of the tongue, as my therapist would say, but its moments like these where I just can’t stop. I wanna say like it is.  With no second thoughts, just a true stream of consciousness. Plus, she was on my tab so I figured all the more reason to tell her the truth.
I had no intention to humiliate Swiss Miss in front of the other guests, I just wanted to say in front of her what other people say behind her back. 

Nothing bothers me more than couples who place no limitations on their procreation.  I don’t care if you’re Catholic, Mormon or of a religion that believes the more sons you have the more explosives you can strap on them, there’s just no reason to have that many kids when there’s so many damn people already.

As I made my casual exit from the table  that evening, I felt I owed her an apology for being so opinionated.  So I bent down to where she was still seated and I whispered, "You might wanna lay off the fondue while you lunch or your husband's gonna be enjoying more hot totties in the ski lodge. It was nice meeting you".

I have been officially banned from business dinners.

 



 

Coming Out of the Closet

I have been dying to come out of the closet.  I just don’t want my friends and family to know. Five things that make me a Closeted Geek:

1.    I listen to tech podcasts (Web 2.0 Show in particular) and send enthusiastic fan mail to the creators.

2.    I like to “talk code” when the time is right.

3.    I attend Tech Meetups with hopes that someday I will meet “the right programmer”.

4.    I will only approach men who wear specs, are skinny and appear socially awkward. Men who refer to platforms as operating systems and not something that I should be wearing on my feet.

5.    I “cruise” the computer section at Barnes N’ Noble making occasional eye contact with the Linux girl hoping she’ll strike up a conversation. She usually backs off.

Last night, on one of my closeted outings, I attended a Tech Meetup at Cooper Union where there are six entrepreneurs presenting their latest applications. Two applications that I loved were HitTail and UpNext.  HitTail is more than just SEO for bloggers. It helps you target the right keys words that are specific to your blog.   Check it out.  You will be pleasantly surprised.  UpNext is the coolest three dimensional cityscape of New York City that allows users to visually search for bars, restaurants, clubs, etc. Here is a list of the other talented presenters:

1. HitTail, Mike Levin
2. Confabb, Jason Rozenblat
3. Diet Television, Ken Seiff
4. UpNext, Danny Moon
5. Parkwhiz, Jon Thornton
6. Amazon (EC2& S3), Jinesh Varia
7. [World Premier Unveiling of Stealth Project], William Carlough
+ inevitable iPhone & Facebook chatter...

 

Paid for by NY Tech Meet Up (the $5 y'all pay at the door), the VC firm of DFJ Gotham, and the law firm of Wilson Sonsini.