OUT OF FOCUS

Bitches Behind Bars

OK, so this is what I call ADD hyper-focus. I was on the stair master at the gym reading somebody else's sweaty newspaper and this article shot me into what felt like a hypoglycemic state.   I titled this post Bitches Behind Bars because thats where I'd like to see all three of them after the first season flops.
I think this is an opportune time to exercise the word "ho" in a sentence because these three ho's are the type of women that marry for money, drive the guy insane, lie, cheat and steal.  And then wrongfully win in court. 

These three loose ladies are starring in a show that actually got picked up by ABC called "The X-Wives Club" where recent divorcees bitch and moan about their X and these bubble heads help them move on with their lives.

I'm sorry, but this show is just an insult to women, making them look, caddy, desperate and stupid.

Lets break it down:

Marla Maples: sounds like something you would spread on a pancake (emphasis on the word spread).  A former cheerleader who should have choked on her pom-pom instead of Donald a looong time ago.

Angie Everheart:  How can you respect a woman who was married to a guy who says, "cup the balls, stroke the shaft"?

Shar Jackson: Impregnated by grease monkey, Kevin Federline.  Can you say, Planned Parenthood?

Need I say more.

Happy Memorial Day!

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY.  And thank you for your service.

I wish I knew whose eagle photo this is so I could pay thanks.

A salute to those who have served; past and present.

















photo by Mat Peterson.

























And to our service men and women who have fought and continue to fight in Iraq and Afganastan.

Peter Peter, the Wife Beater

ADD Symptom: Obsessing over irrelevant matters.

My new bone to pick is with Mother Goose. I don't know what this woman was thinking when she wrote Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater but what I do know is that she is very difficult to track down. Rumor has it that Mama Goose was French. Need I say more.

This particular bedtime rhyme started giving me heart palpitations after I read it tonight.

The brutality depicted in this Mother Goose Rhymes is utterly astounding.

And this is what I am talking about.  Read my notes:

Homeland security aside, this is a national matter that must be addressed and I know just the attorney to do it:  Cross Exam's Nancy Grace.

I know what you're thinking, "Kali, you are all over the place?  How can you possibly get involved in a law suit right now! Where will you find the time?"  Well, someone has to make an example of this chauvinistic nonsense that is poisoning the young minds of America.

Syriana in Napa Valley

ADD Symptom: Always making assumptions.

Last year, when my friend Langdon first asked me if I knew anything about Syriana, I made the assumption that he was referring to George Clooney's vineyard in Napa Valley.  Who wouldn't?  Syriana sounds like something you would drink out of a large glass goblet.  And Hollywood heavies like Sam Neil and Francis Ford Copolla have started their own beloved labels. Since Georgie is never seen out with the Hollywood hotties, the only other straight man activity I can see Georgie performing was stepping on grapes in the northern California sun. Boy, was I wrong.  But I took that idea and shot a news bit on it.  This is a character that I created called Bernie Rockaway. 

SYRIANA POD CAST
Uploaded by kaliopy

If you would like to see more of Bernie, please let me know.

Greetings from Asbury Park

I just went to support this documentary for the second time this month at DCTV.  Its about eminent domain in the newly redeveloped Asbury Park.  If anyone knows any celebrities in Asbury Park who may want to help finance this film, please tell them its pay back time! 

Angie, 91, lived through three decades of rust, riot and ruin in Asbury Park, the one-time postcard paradise.

Now the tiny bungalow that she has called home, for half her life, will be seized by eminent domain. Hundreds of

homes, apartment buildings and local businesses are boarded up, ready for the wrecking ball. Angie’s may be next.

DCTV 87 Lafayette Street NYC 10013

Tax-deductible contributions can be made through the film’s

fiscal sponsor, Women Make Movies, a national non-profit media arts organization.

Click on

http://www.wmm.com/filmmakers/sponsored_projects.shtml#G 

for the Women Make Movies site. Follow the prompts.

Wanted: Business Plan

This past fall, I made the insane mistake of going back to college after thirteen years to finish my Bachelor’s degree. What the hell was I thinking?? There must  a website online that can falsify a document saying that I finished back in ’93?  Couldn’t I just lie my way though life?  I guess its possible but when you have ADD, there this awful side affect of blurting out the truth at the most inappropriate time.  Like at a job interview:

Employer:  So, I see you graduated from Temple?

Kali:  Yes, of coarse.  In ’93.

Employer:  and you majored in…?

Kali: That’s right.

Employer:  You majored in…what?

Kali: Yes.

Employer:  Yes, what?

Kali: That was what I majored in.

Employer:  In what?

Kali:  Exactly.

Employer:  Exactly what was your major?

Kali:  That.  Although I did change it from time to time.

Employer:  Changed what?

Kali: What it was the last time but it wasn’t working out for me.

Employer: What wasn’t working out for you?

Kali:  Most of it..until I found the right major.

Employer: Which was what?
Kali: What we were just talking about.

Employer stands up to shake my hand, thinks for a moment, sits back down  and decides that a hand shake isn’t even necessary.

Employer:  Kali, thanks for coming in but were looking for someone who seems like a better candidate for the job.

Kali:  How so?

Employer:  Well, someone who isn’t…ah..

Kali: Ah liar!  Is that what you’re trying to say?  That I am a liar?  A liar who dropped out of college!

Employer:  I didn’t call you liar-

Kali: Than what were you saying?  Or should I say what were you discriminating against?

Employer:  I wasn’t discrim-

Kali:  Than if you weren’t discriminating against me, why are you throwing me out of here?

Employer:  I didn’t thow you out-

Kali: No but you were about to ask me to leave-

Employer: No, I wasn’t-

Kali: Look whose calling who a liar! Next thing you’re going to tell me is that I have ADD and need some anger management classes-

Employer leans calmly into an intercom.

Employer: Security?

OK, so there’s a good chance that that scenario would never happen…at least in the next couple of weeks it wouldn’t since I’m not sending out job applications but that’s how it usually plays out in my head. And if that’s how it plays out in my head than that’s how it would most likely pan out.

I guess I am experiencing some “school anxiety” since today was the first day of my summer class.  I enrolled for the summer semester in a business class that teaches you how to write a business plan.  Its only a six week class so I figure I have six weeks to find someone to write the business plan.

Here’s the ad I placed on Craig’s List. I posted it on San Fransisco’s Craig’s list so my professor wouldn’t find me:

https://post.craigslist.org/manage/335767518/m5tc5

Lets see who responds.

No Virtal World at the Jersey Shore

Yesterday, I rented a car and headed to the Jersey shore, family in tow to get my summer dosage of good ole vitamin C. It's a trip that usually works out for everyone; the dog and  husband love the three mile run on the sand and the three year old relishes the many out door parks.  Me?  I most enjoy the feeling of sun being baked onto my skin and will worry about the outcome when my face turns to leather.  I'm sure by then there will be a lotion created to reverse the process. At least I hop there is.

The only downfall of spending nights at my parent's house is that there is no virtual world waiting for me, my parents are, by definition, technological Neanderthals.

I was in sixth grade when my mother broke down and finally got call waiting.  When my mother is on the phone and the call waiting goes off, the woman sees red, in a panic tells the other person to "hah...hah...hang on!" and starts tapping the phone like its some complicated Morse code. 

Even if I were to take their most high tech equipment, a 1985 Sony VCR,and mark the play, rewind and fast forward buttons with large letters, their heads would still spin in chaos. 

I can see that the panic button doesn't fall far from the tree when my own internal techno alarm went off late last night.  Since my parent's have always lives sans computer, I brought my new lap top with the hopes of connecting to a dial-up but discovered that my new Mac didn't have a port for a dial-up. Be it the Jersey Shore, of coarse there is nowhere in a 50 mile radius to purchase a phone line to Ethernet converter of some sort, so I drove around trying to find a wifi cafe.  Nothing was open, nothing was in sight, so I went back home and did the unconventional; I stayed off line.  I felt like a smoker who was withholding that last nightly cigarette or the barfly who was debating that last scotch on ice. Hands twisting nervously, thoughts in a constant debate of whether or not I should break into the neighbor's home who were away for the weekend. I would have done it but my better half discouraged my saying, "what would breaking and entering look like on a soon-to-be college graduate's resume?"

It made me incredibly uneasy while it made my mom completely ecstatic.  Because now it was she, me, coffee and hours of conversation, which, after two cups and half a sheet of crumb cake, made me realize the older I get, the more interesting her ethnic ways become. 

Being off Iine for a day taught me one thing; do not take the finer things in life for granted.

Hi, I'm Kali, Your Prison Tour Guide

I have so many ideas that I want to cash in on, if only I can focus on one. This particular idea happens to be one of my most favorite and most humanitarian.

It's called Kali, the prison tour guide. 

I believe that in order to deter crime amongst inner city teens,  students should be taking field trips to prisons so they can get a taste of what real prison life is like.

I want to be that prison tour guide (dressed in safari gear of coarse).

(Picture This)

"Hi boys and girls, I’m Kali, your friendly tour guide and welcome to Riker’s Island, New York’s most infamous prison.  Today we are going to witness the atrocities that go on in prison as well as the criminals who inhabit here.  Shall we?"

(I escort them down a long dark corridor)

"The inmates to your left are notorious for rape, murder and grand larceny while those on your right are your least favorite, the pedophiliacs. And there’s only one way to sneak in a Game Boy but don’t try it.  The guards look in every orifice of your body for contraband".

(I enter the cafeteria)

"Here in the cafeteria, it’s not unlikely to find a rusty razor in your plate of  buttered spuds.  Not exactly the crackerjack prize you’d wish for, huh Tommy?"

(Someone throws a spitball at me) 

"Who just hit me?  Listen you little rugrat, the only Pop Tart your gonna get here is the one sandwiched between your buttocks!"

(I dust myself off and resumes with my tour heading towards the smoking lounge) 

"Wednesday night is TV night but if you wanna watch South Park, you’ll have to wrestle Big Bubba for the remote control. Hot bubble baths here are quite rare but the showers  are a novelty.  Right before lights out, you are stripped down naked and deloused with cornstarch.  So you better think twice before throwing another spitball.  This is the end of the tour so please feel free to make some friends as you follow the exits signs".

I think my business card would read: What you call detention we call solitary confinement.

If you or anyone you know is interested, please email me to arrange a guided tour.

Suze Oreman in the Bedroom

I like to watch Suze Oreman's show ever now and then, especially when I am in need of financial advice but it often won't keep my attention for one whole hour.  You know I like the show but good 'ole Suze sure can sound degrading.  Like ever caller is a fool, an idiot...destined for failure without her wise words of expertise. If you do not have a 401 K Plan, haven't paid off your high interest rate credit cards or have no clue as to what dividends are, Suze thinks you are better off dead. 

I don't think she realizes how degrading she can be.  I did her for my SNL audition and once I find the copy that I smuggled out of NBC, I will post it.  It went something like this.

Suze Oreman: (taking Jewish caller #1) "Hi, welcome to the Suze Oreman show. Myra Sipperstein, Tantella, talk to me....(listening) Well giving an i-pod to every kid at the Bar Mitzvah is gonna set you back, mamelah!  So, save your sheckles, forget that Mishagas...OK girlfriend?

(Taking Asian caller #2) Hi, Shun Lee welcome to the Suze Oreman show. Shun Lee, I can barely hear you.  It sounds like your swimming in a bowl of WonTon soup...that’s better. (listening) How much can you invest in your 401 K plan? Shun Lee...let me ask you this....when they say no MSG, do they really mean it?  Thanks for calling the Suze Oreman show!

I think they really need to spruce of the show with different locations besides the studio with the swirling circular graphics dancing behind her. 

I think Suze should pop up from the side of a couples bed in the mist of tantric sex and have her start rambling some financial advice. I think they should rename it, Suze Oreman in the Bedroom. That would keep my attention.

Long-Term Goals Do Not Exist

ADD SYMPTOM:  Insufficient follow-through; trouble sticking to a plan.

Last month I set myself a goal:

GOAL: To write blog entry everyday for 365 consecutive  days and self-publish book.

Not that it would necessarily make me the winner of the  2008 LuLu Blooker Prize but it would mean that I have  finally FINISHED something.  For those who don’t have ADD, imagine not ever being able to finish a To Do list because you cannot find your To Do List.

Here is a brief list of things that I have started but have not finished for some time:

1. Cutting my film, Channel Surfing, that I shot in 2001 (ala Amazon Women On the Moon, Groove Tube, Kentucky Friend Movie). Now cut into a TV Pilot due to lack of focus n' funds.

2. Launching Bernie Rockaway’s Rough Copy podcast.  That’s right.  That’s me.

Check out the website if its even still up there: www.roughcopynews.com.

3. Cutting my latest acting reel (not that I am even acting anymore)

4. Balancing a check book

5. Learning HTML and CSS

6.  Pitching my script, Kid Celebrity,to anyone willing to read it.

But as you can see by my sidebar calendar, I am falling short of my goal and days absent of blogging due to my “Napa Valley Binge”. Life seems to be floating just fine until I set myself a goal.  Sweat beads. Hands Freeze. Wine Flows.

This past Saturday, dinner conversation with my sister in Menlo Park consisted of the inflated real estate price in "the peninsula", her teary absence of any Google stock and my failure to stay focused during a conversation.  Its not like talk of interest rates every kept me up before but I knew what she was referring to, my inability to concentrate over dinner conversation.  My friends have accepted my “checking in and out” but it seems like family will always take it personally.  I mean, she has no Google stock (#$!?)

What I want to know is this:  How do people like Darren Rowse do it?  The guy is a Professional and Hobby Blogger.  He writes numerous blogs and then finds the time to start a business called b5media.  I don’t think the guy is human.  I think he is the Bionic man, The Six Million Dollar Man and no one has blown his cover.

I wanna fire my shrink and hire Darren Rowse for a week.  How the hell does this guy keep it all together? I don’t know how he does it.  Maybe he avoids trips to Napa Valley.  Or maybe he just has lots of Google stock.