Hi, I'm Kali, Your Prison Tour Guide

I have so many ideas that I want to cash in on, if only I can focus on one. This particular idea happens to be one of my most favorite and most humanitarian.

It's called Kali, the prison tour guide. 

I believe that in order to deter crime amongst inner city teens,  students should be taking field trips to prisons so they can get a taste of what real prison life is like.

I want to be that prison tour guide (dressed in safari gear of coarse).

(Picture This)

"Hi boys and girls, I’m Kali, your friendly tour guide and welcome to Riker’s Island, New York’s most infamous prison.  Today we are going to witness the atrocities that go on in prison as well as the criminals who inhabit here.  Shall we?"

(I escort them down a long dark corridor)

"The inmates to your left are notorious for rape, murder and grand larceny while those on your right are your least favorite, the pedophiliacs. And there’s only one way to sneak in a Game Boy but don’t try it.  The guards look in every orifice of your body for contraband".

(I enter the cafeteria)

"Here in the cafeteria, it’s not unlikely to find a rusty razor in your plate of  buttered spuds.  Not exactly the crackerjack prize you’d wish for, huh Tommy?"

(Someone throws a spitball at me) 

"Who just hit me?  Listen you little rugrat, the only Pop Tart your gonna get here is the one sandwiched between your buttocks!"

(I dust myself off and resumes with my tour heading towards the smoking lounge) 

"Wednesday night is TV night but if you wanna watch South Park, you’ll have to wrestle Big Bubba for the remote control. Hot bubble baths here are quite rare but the showers  are a novelty.  Right before lights out, you are stripped down naked and deloused with cornstarch.  So you better think twice before throwing another spitball.  This is the end of the tour so please feel free to make some friends as you follow the exits signs".

I think my business card would read: What you call detention we call solitary confinement.

If you or anyone you know is interested, please email me to arrange a guided tour.