OUT OF FOCUS

A Lap Dance Before I Die

ADHD Symptom: Often engaging in physically dangerous activities without considering possible consequences (i.e. a lap dance).

While the deadly virus, Viral Hemorrhagic Septicemia (VHS) is killing our fish in the Great Lakes and most of our honeybees are suddenly dropping like flies, before I start to panic, I think this just may be the perfect time for a lap dance.  That's right; an overly firm pair of buttocks gyrating to the rhythm of  any overplayed 90's dance hit found on most dance hit compilations, is what we should all be experiencing. 

If I had the ability to slow down enough so my mind can focus on one thing, I would probably have a panic attack over Armageddon.  I would start to hyper-focus about all the devastating circumstances occurring all around us. So instead, I allowed one of my many symptoms to kick in and my last night in Vegas, I allowed myself to engage in a physically dangerous activity; a silicon-enhanced lap dance-two for the price of one. 

I can admire a female's  sensuality, accept a lap dance and not have my sexually threatened, but this particular dance I encountered my last night in Vegas, could have very well been my last!  Look, if you want to dance to the Divinals for me, that's fine, I can admire you from an arms length.  Just please don't scratch my cornea with those hardened torpedoes pasted onto your chest. Hey. I'm alI for plastic surgery.  If it makes you happy, do it.  Its not gonna effect my life, but in the case of Cherry circus size breasts, it effected my eyesight.  She was poking them ( I say them because it was like having three people there) in my face as if I was a visually impaired bitch threatening to sue if I didn't get my money's worth. I asked her politely, with one eye, if she could please give me some space and she apologized for being overly affectionate claiming that it was her upbringing along with seven other siblings that made her "so touchy feely".

I asked her what she used on her skin that was remarkably smooth and she said, I Can't Believe its Not Butter.  Three bucks a tub.  Meanwhile, I am paying 14 dollars a mini tub of  shae butter made at the Israel Institute of Technology and my skin steals feel freshly lizard-like in the middle of spring.

I was uncomfortably the center of her attention for six minutes and as soon as the second song came to a close, I feigned nausea and politely showed myself the door.  And as I was making my speed getaway out, I could swear that I saw James Lipton asking a stripper in the middle of her dance, " If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?  Grabbing a big bill between her breasts she said, "Keep the change?" 

And walked away.  God, I love Vegas.

CRAZY HORSE IN VEGAS

This entry should be called, Dancers In Vegas Help A.D.D'ers Maintain Focus.  I just saw one of the sexist shows in Vegas last night at The Crazy Horse in the MGM Grand Hotel. These girls will forever make me look at a buffet from a different perspective.  If a conservative viewer finds it hard to respect their seductive, burlesque style of dance than at least respect these ladies for their incredible flexibility and six percent body fat!

It been nine years since I last spend time at the MGM Grand and that was when I drove cross country from New York to Los Angeles with....OK...here it comes....with this guy....

No joke,  Joe Millionaire.  But that was before he was Joe Millionaire.   I was desperate and I had a little money and he had a beat up Jeep Eagle to get us there.  At the time it seemed like a perfect idea although little did I know that he had just gone through a break up and never wanted to stop the car as we drove cross country.  I mean, NEVER wanted to stop the car!  After I started experiencing bladder damage from holding it in, I attempted to make my great escape to Vegas by having my friend Avi, this Israeli diamond dealer, fly me directly to LA so I could ditch the Jeep Eagle.....but I never did.  In fact, we eded up living together in a tool shed for two months!

Three years later, my experience of driving cross country with Joe Millionaire inspired me to write a 120 page screenplay entitled, Me, A Redneck & the Keebler Elves. 

I have never shared this screenplay with anyone else out of privacy and respect to good 'ole Joe.  But if you wanna read more, let me know.

ADD SELF-TEST-What's Your Score?

I was checking out the Attention Deficit Disorder Association website and
I came across this ADD test or what they call the self-report screener:

They only ask you six questions, assuming after the sixth, you’re bound to lose focus.  A score of 11 point or higher means you have ADD. 

My score is 24.

Here's my version: The Kali ADD Screener:

1.    Do you feel like your "ahead of the game" and everyone just needs to "catch up"?
2.    Do you instigate arguments out of sheer boredom?
3.    Do you “add fuel to the fire” for no good reason like any good arsonist?
4.    Do you incriminate friends and family of theft after misplacing an item?
5.    Do you hurl ethnic slurs when waiting in line for too long?

If you live in a great metropolis and said yes to one or all of these questions, than you're fine.

IMPRISONENED IN VERMONT

Years ago I spent a summer working as a production coordinator for a feature film in Barton, Vermont. After breaking up with an Israeli bagel maker at the time, twelve years my senior, it seems like the perfect getaway.  Yet, shortly after the third week there, I started feeling like Brad Davis in Midnight Express.

Aside from the pretty seasonal foliage, and the convenience of catching a ten-pound flounder from your back yard, there’s not much to see in Barton. If you want to know what the locals do for fun just read the police blotter. I would say the majority of folks there get the bulk of their culture from the yogurt they eat.
While imprisoned with the daily torturous black flies, I paid a visit to the Maple Syrup Museum where you get to see the first tree that was ever tapped and how Aunt Jamima got her big break. As expected, she slept her way to the top.
Now, I’m all for the outdoorsy thing, but if I have to paddle across town in a canoe, it should at least come equipped with a cell phone.   
    One day, I’m paddling along this mountain road and there’s no bathroom in sight so I anchor in front of this pharmacy:

KALI:        Excuse me?  Can I use your bathroom?
CASHIER:   I’m sorry but it’s for employees only.
KALI:         Then can I fill out a job application?
CASHIER:    I’m sorry but were not hiring at this time…

Having little to no bladder control, I threatened to take three of them hostage.  Impressed by my New York bravery, not only did I get the key to the john but they promoted me to manager.

Wanting to keep the prison theme consistent in my life, I was reading Attica; the prison uprising. In the book, the author writes that the riot occurred because the inmates felt “bitter and angry over the living conditions”.  I don’t know which brochure they read but what criminal expects an open bar or Filet mignon! 700 hundred years ago, criminals were being burned at the stake.  Now their requesting some on their plate?  (“A little Bearnaise sauce on the side for my bitch here”).

I don't know what just made me think of my whole Vermont experience.  Maybe the perfect  weather tonight; a cool breeze, no humidity and unexpectedly quiet. Weather that's unlike this city and more rural.  Weather that makes me wish I had a porch swing overlooking a lake and some mountains....like Barton, Vermont. 

OK, I'll give them that.

JUST SAY NO TO DUGS

ADD symptom:  On a constant search for high stimulation, impulsive action; a state of aimless distractability...

Hot town, summer in the city
  Back of my neck getting dirty and gritty
  Been down, isn't it a pity
  Doesn't seem to be a shadow in the city.
                                    -The Lovin' Spoonful

Those lyrics reverberated in my head the past two days thanks to the break of rain and our unexpected yet welcomed guest, Hot Sunshine.

Now, I'm about to really date myself but summer now ain't what it used to be when I was a teen.  If your under 21 and reading this blog, please consult the Rock Hall of Fame and familiarize yourself with the artistic works of bands such as Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin and The Who.  I do not mean to patronize those more youthful than I, but when my 18 year old cousin thought Roger Daltry was my downtown dermatologist, I thought this current generation might be in trouble.

Summer for me in the mid-to-late eighties meant rock concerts all summer long.  Tail gating in the parking lots with the smell of grilling dogs and the feeling of hot pavement under your feet. Losing your friends for the first two hours in the parking lot while having a tearful, overly-joyous reunion during the show. FYI: days before cell phones...

What I am about to share with you this very moment will forever prevent me from holding any position in political office. I thought about this long and hard whether or not I should share this very personal and private ADD side of me and the answer is yes because unless those political posters are airbrushed, you will never see my chicklet smile running for Congress.

This is how I spent my sticky concert nights in the:

Summer of '87:  Pink Floyd's Momentary Lapse of Reason Tour in NY sans Roger Waters. Smoking, what was referred to as "brown acid(?)". Gazing at a giant screen of running Alaskan Huskies during Dogs Of War, and, in sheer panic,thinking that the dogs had been unleashed on me. 

Summer of '87: Getting arrested, though not formally, for underage drinking during  Neil Young & The Blue Notes in Jersey.  Released almost immediately  after threatening to harm myself (Improv classes start paying off). 

Summer of '88: Drinking a bottle of Amaretto & Cherry Cola in a stretch limo heading to  Aerosmith's Permanent Vacation tour in NY and throwing it all up on the way home.

Summer of '89: The introduction of a fine, white powder.  Getting thrown out of seats for drunk & disorderly conduct at The Who Celebration Tour in Phili.

But I never inhaled.
 

PROOF THAT YOU TUBE SUCKS AND REVVER ROCKS

Here is proof my friends that You Tube Sucks and Revver Rocks!  This is my 3rd $50 dollar check over the last six months!  Check out some of my videos.

Its a real check..I just had to airbrush the routing and check # for the freaks out there.

My friend Allen

My old friend Allen from L.A. recently resurfaced and needed a place to stay in New York.  I cannot remember his last name but I do remember he was considered a "great guy".  "Oh, Allen, he's a great guy, "I would tell friends, knowing that he was cheap, loud and usually off-color. What made up "the great guy" part I just don't know.  He's a good looking Allen and I really want to share a picture of him yet I dont have one. Combing over the Google Images, I Googled the name "Allen" hoping to find a picture but instead I found a picture of a "similar Allen". An Allen Edwards.  Not my friend Allen, not quite as airbrushed and coiffed but difinatley the same shiny gold watch.

Always welcoming a long lost acquaintance, I told Allen he can spend as many nights as he needed in our guest bedroom.  Until he dropped the bomb and told me he was an actor. This whole time I thought he was a high powered attorney or "in construction" because of the shiny gold watch. I always say, go with your gut and I did. My “many nights” invite turned into “if-your-desperate-and-have-no-where-else-to-stay-night” because everyone knows actors are not to be trusted, especially ones from L.A.

Tucked away in the wicker toiletries basket I always greet my overnight guests with, was a welcome note for Allen:

Dear Allen,

Welcome to our home.  Just a few notes:

1.    Do not leave any perishable food in my view.
2.    Do not drink my soy milk.
3.    Do not steam up the bathroom between the hours of 9 am and 11 am.
4.    Since I am one of the few who still own a land-line, do not abuse my                 long-distance phone bill.
5.    Do not bring any high-class hookers into the apartment.
6.    Do not reveal any secrets to any building tenants.
7.    Do not look through my files.

It’s great to have you back, Allen. 

Enjoy my city!

Kali

This was Allen's response:

Kali,

I’m staying at the Y.

PS. What about cheap hookers?

Allen

I've written him off.  If I ever find myself in Branson, Missouri, I am going to replace my old friend Allen with the new & improved, fully coiffed & combed, "Allen" pictured above.

And with the same shiny gold watch.

Something That Vibrates

Everyday, my pockets are stuffed with long-winded, updated TO DO lists, my purse is waited down with a bulky out-dated PDA and I am startled every few minutes when I set my cooking clock to remind me of something as simple as a hard boiled egg on the stove or a much needed therapy appointment.
If you’ve never seen a hard boiled egg explode from over boiling, its quite the Mel Brooks scene.  It spontaneously combust all over the kitchen floor, your tiled back slash and your ceiling, leaving you with nothing but charred egg shells and a growling stomach.
I purchased an item tonight that I think any A.D.D’er can benefit from:
The VibraLITE 3 Vibrating Watch from a bedwetting site (not that I was googling bed wetting or anything) and I worry if that is in fact the direction I am heading in, waterproof underwear and all?  Do my friends and family pity my forgetfulness over festive conversation while I think their talking about the Mets and I have it all under control?

A comic I credit
dullman.com.
I don't know who drew it but
I like it.













ADD Symptom:  Blurting thoughts out inappropriately.

I was in the mist of cocktail conversation  in a circle of fancy film buffs at the Sundance Film Festival one winter, when one of the film buffs said, “I have an apt in New York and a house in Utah” and all of a sudden, in all seriousness,  I interrupted, “So you’re bi coastal”.  Silence.  More silence.  Silence followed by stares and the memory of an old E. F. Hutton commercial. Conversation is immediately halted and all eyes landed on my now very red face.   “No, she said, “that would be Los Angeles”.  The circle tightened some more, eventually squeezing me out. They didn’t take it as a joke nor did I intend that to be a joke.
I walked away thinking and swearing at that very moment that Park City, Utah was a coastal city. Was it not?  Well of coarse its not but it sounded like a good idea at the time, geographically impaired and all.

IMPROV SHOW APRIL 24TH

For fellow A.D.D.'ers, there's nothing more fun than improv!  Come see the show if you are in New York City @

Stand Up New York Comedy Club
236 West 78th Street  (off of Broadway)
Only 10 Bucks!

Virginia Tech

Every Monday, I take the Greyhound bus from New York to Temple University in Phili with the hopes of finishing my undergrad.  Its been a 13 year, hiatus but who's really counting.
Yesterday afternoon, I was in my Asian Religion class and I just envisioned some sociopath barging into the classroom and gunning students down.  Just like an other act of terrorism, I can't imagine what the students at Virgina Tech were feeling at that very moment.  And I thought, well how would I react?  Events this tragic, make me a very angry person.  To the point where I cannot think of anything else. I wished that I could have walked up behind this killer right before he riddled so many innocent civilians with bullets, and just gunned him down inch by inch.  A bullet in the foot, a bullet in the shin, a bullet in the knee.  I would play a game of connect the dots with him before I put a bullet in his brain.
If you were to ask a very liberal-minded friend of mine whom we shall call Bob(whom I adore but can't get in any political debate without wanting to choke him), Bob would say, "where as a society have we gone wrong?  We, the people are responsible, for his actions.  If our government isn't going to be financially responsible for the social services we need to help these sick people, than we're responsible!".  SHUT UP already! I can't listen to that dribble and neither can the families of all these victims.  No one deserves this and someone sick enough to commit a crime like will never benefit from social reform! He's better off dead.

I pray for all those that have lost their lives during this tragic event and for all those who will suffer in the aftermath.